All I know

It seems like I only ever come here to post lately, when I need help. When I’m heavy and struggling. When I need people. And I’m sorry for that. I hate people to feel like they NEED to respond or reply, but honestly? It’s so hard for me to reach out for that reason exactly. I never want anyone to feel burdened by me or heavy. Ever. Regardless, I still need people.

For many years, I felt heavy and neglected. My husband worked a stressful, demanding job, 12-13 hour days where I wouldn’t hear from him. Where he would potentially be in dangerous situations, dealing with awful situations. I mean, I still remember the 1am phone call that he had been punched in the face and I was to meet him at the hospital. It was one of the most terrifying and life-altering moments that I’ve ever had, followed by facial reconstructive surgery two weeks later. He attended school full time in a prestigious, yet again, demanding program. There was no time left for us. For me. For a while – that was okay. I worked too. I missed my family but couldn’t reach out without hearing, “chin up!” I missed him. I missed us.

After we got married, I became a full time housewife for a couple years and for a while, that was okay too. We fought as I begged him to spend time with me. To take a semester off. As I noticed the changes in him the longer he worked a job where he had to shut off his feelings. As he denied the changes and blamed me. I cooked because I loved it. I provided. My heart on a plate because that was what I could do. I could show my love and care in carefully constructed meals. I could provide some love at lunch time for him, even if I wasn’t there. I worked out. I obsessed about food. I lost weight. I put too much value in my appearance. I dreamed of what I wanted to do with my life but couldn’t yet.

When we moved to New York, it was tumultuous. If I am completely honest, we were openly talking separation before we both decided to put TWO FEET IN and make it work. Even now, I admit that when we fight, I worry that we’re still there despite making big leaps and taking great steps. The move shook things up and settled the all the same. I somehow, by the grace of…who knows, finally took steps to enter in a career that I’d felt absolutely compelled to be in for years. Finally.

The pieces started falling into place after I took the training. I got another job. I was accepted into a collective of amazing doulas with mentorship. I started taking clients. I got promoted to office manager. My office grew and grew and I got a raise. I found an amazing childbirth educator and she started referring me fabulous clients.

And here I am.

I am emptier than empty. I’m still charging very low rates due to my membership in this group. I am running all over, answering multiple emails from multiple accounts daily, all hours. I feel like I can recharge a little bit, but then each interaction takes more than I was able to recharge. I keep talking about it and talking about it – but I don’t know how to change it. I can’t figure out what I can possibly drop as the sole earner right now. I am useless when I get home and that certainly doesn’t help my relationship no matter how badly I wish it could be different.

I love giving to people. Supporting my clients feels so good. I get to see new life. I get to cut cords. I get to tell people how much I really do believe in them, that they CAN do this. I get to watch people become pain free and live their lives healthier. I truly, in my heart LOVE helping people so, so much. But…I just don’t know how I am finding the energy to keep giving. It’s all coming at a cost that I quickly am becoming unable to pay.

Pressing the publish button is really difficult for this post. I feel like I am just whining and people are rolling their eyes but…this is really hard. It’s just so, so hard to love what you do but still feel completely worn out and exhausted by it all.

I don’t have answers on how to fix it and you don’t have to respond.

It’s just all really heavy right now and all I know is to talk about it.

It Ain’t Easy

You know how the song goes.

It ain’t easy being green,
having to spend each day the colour of the leaves.
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow, or gold
Or something much more colourful like that 

Well. I often feel like this. While I appreciate the fact that I am highly sensitive and even empathic, sometimes it’s just freaking hard.  When I stop and think of the process I have to go through to communicate, to go out, to stay sane, I wish I were like everyone else. You know – normal.  I’m not saying that everyone doesn’t have it rough sometimes, or that it isn’t a really special thing for me sometimes, but in general? It’s a whole lot of crap that I have to deal with on a regular basis just to try and thrive. I don’t often talk about it or really even admit it because hell, it’s just what I do, but man I’m here to tell you it’s really tough sometimes.

Lately I’ve had a really hard time with my emotions.  I am quite emotional on a good day but recently I’m finding it harder and harder to be immune to other people’s emotions. So many friends, both local and internet friends, are struggling. Ill family. Sick pets. Struggling. In pain. Worried. Stressed. Hurting. Normally, I feel for people very deeply and want to do anything I can, but lately? Lately I’ve FELT those things. I know it seems crazy, but it’s really true. I’ve been having a hard time staying afloat myself with all the ups and downs.  I was in tears over a friend that was struggling this week. I paced and worried for a friend’s dog that was sick. While I want to reach out and hug everyone that is hurting – sometimes I just could use a hug myself. It’s just not always easy to admit just how hard I’m having it right now because it isn’t like this is a unique moment. This is just…me.

I’m dealing with some pretty serious personal stress these days which is often tough enough, but adding in the pain of the world? I’m just no contest to it. I’m crushed under the weight of the world lately, or that’s how it feels. I know it sounds dramatic but it is truly how it feels sometimes.  I wouldn’t want people to stop sharing, or stop leaning on me – quite the opposite, but sometimes I wonder how I’m going to keep going.  I don’t feel depressed really, just overwhelmed and exhausted.  Toss in there that apparently allergies have made an appearance in my body after years of being absent too. It is also hard for me to admit all this because well, children in Africa are starving. Friends have family members that are dying. Some people can’t get out of bed in the morning. CLEARLY, everyone else has it worse than I do so somehow that has bearing on whether or not it’s okay for me to suck too. I’m telling you, my head is awesome sometimes.

I keep referring to the “Spoon Theory” and depending on how stressed or emotional I am to start the day, I start with even fewer spoons. I’ve started calling it a Spoon Tax. The more weight that is on me, the more worry – the higher the spoon tax, which then leaves me with even fewer spoons to get through my day. Sometimes, I can borrow from the next day, but you see the problem with this I’m sure. How do I get through the next day?

It is making it difficult for me to get out and enjoy life.  I can’t run as many errands in a day as I used to or I get overwhelmed to the point of tears. I can’t shop a whole mall at once or by the end, I’m listless, exhausted and my head is throbbing. I try and plan a day out and a few hours in, I’m just done. I am struggling to deal with emotional and personal things, because I just can’t do it ALL in one day and I can’t stand to sink so low for so long.  It is making it even tougher than normal, to ignore the loud music from my upstairs neighbour (which had me so frustrated I was in tears two nights ago, at 11pm, in bed.) Making it harder to block out the smell of grilled meat from the side neighbour and even harder not to burst into tears when I hear a different upstairs neighbour screaming at his girlfriend at the top of his lungs at 3am, while I’m lying awake listening to it with a racing heart in fear. Everything affects me lately, so deeply, like a cut that you can’t see the true depth. It seems crazy, but it really is the truth, friends.

It’s really frustrating to have to split your needs up, because of how few spoons you have.  I can accept that I am highly sensitive, that I am processing more information all the time in general. I can even see it as a special and good thing a lot of the time, but I can’t say that it isn’t exhausting and frustrating. I can’t say that I don’t get foot-stomping mad about it some days. That some days, I just don’t feel special but I feel fragile, delicate and weak.  I feel incapable. I feel agitated and restless. I feel…stupid. It’s like watching your friends playing outside, and you just want to run and join them but surprise! You can’t. So, you sit inside and hurt, cry, and wish you could be like all the rest of the kids.

Now I know I’m not stupid, but sometimes I just feel it. Like – get a grip Sarah. Stop feeling emotions. Stop feeling so much all the time. The truth is, I just can’t stop it. If I could, I really would. I would give just about anything to be like everyone else some days. I really would. But…this is how I’m made and lately it just ain’t easy.