Tag Archives: grateful

The Best Kind of News

It was rainy and dreary on Tuesday. My Mom and Stepdad had just left, I was starting to get sick and I had to work in the afternoon at my new job. My new job where I am still fighting the voices in my head that keep telling me they will find out I am awful and will fire me. The voices that are telling me the other shoe will drop ANY MOMENT. It was not shaping up to be the greatest of days for me.

Lucky for me, I knew I had a package from Ashley at the post office, so I was off to pick up the glorious, well-timed box. I was ready to kick ass and take names too, since no one had even attempted to deliver it.  I was riled RIGHT up and was in NO MOOD to deal with any bullshit.

Then, while I was waiting in line, I got a text from my Dad.

Spontaneous tears.

He had a CT scan last week to check on the size of his lymphnodes (Since he has lymphoma, that’s where the cancer is. There and in his bone marrow) and was at the cancer clinic to find out the results and to get his fourth (out of six) round of chemotherapy. Well, excuse the capslock but – EVERY SINGLE NODE WAS LESS THAN 1CM IN SIZE! This, in comparison to August when a couple were EIGHTEEN CENTIMETERS. Less than 1cm people! That’s like |      | this far or something. Oh my good god, would you have been able to hold back tears on that one?

That’s not all.  Once I finished sobbing at the post office, I got a text from my Dad’s girlfriend who said that his chemo drugs were now GETTING PAID FOR. So, my Dad, who has no health insurance but will be on the hook for hundreds of thousands of dollars – just got his chemotherapy drugs paid for by the drug companies. As someone who thinks drug companies are evil bastards, I have never, EVER IN MY LIFE been so grateful to them. Dad will still have to pay for the scans, doctor visits and so forth, but the drugs are most expensive!

So let’s recap this. Halfway through his treatment program, his lymphnodes have drastically reduced in size, meaning the drugs are working as they should. So, so well. Ontop of this, he is getting financial help from the drug companies (who get a tax break for doing so) and his financial burden will be lessened. Well then.

I know that many of you will cheer and celebrate this massive victory (so far) with me and I honestly am so grateful for you all as well. You have made the last few months not only bearable, but full of love and support and comfort.

Thank you friends.

I just…you guys. I can’t express to you, just how grateful I feel on the eve of Thanksgiving. Yes, I am sick and grumpy but damn. I have a job that is already helping with my mood and self esteem and is making me feel like a worthwhile human being that is strong, capable and able to do anything if she just takes that first step.  And the best part – My Dad is doing so dang well and I just love him so much. He is kicking cancer’s ass and is keeping such an awesome attitude while doing it.

I hope that I am as strong as he is some day. I really do.

Finally!

I have very little to say tonight except that…I HAVE A JOB!

It is temp to perm, but is for an employer I believe in and whose philosophies on the body and health really match mine. I felt so great at the interview and felt like I could really belong with the rest of the staff. I will be able to help people in their journey to health and be a part of that, which I love.

So! I am excited but also TERRIBLY nervous about fitting in and learning new stuff and aaahhhh. Crazy but…so, so glad.

This job will also let me gradually get back into working. A couple shifts, then 25 hours, then full time which I know will be SO helpful for me as change…well. Change is not my best friend. So it’ll be a gentle transition amd while I could use full time hours NOW, I better understand how I work best and really, this will be so good for me. If I honor my sensitivity and listen to myself, I know that this slower transition will help me to be more successful.

Thanks for all your love and support, friends. Truly. I don’t honestly know where I would be without knowing you were there. I know I still will struggle but damn, if this doesn’t help for today. Today, I am grateful and can breathe.

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CHEERS!

Currently

Thanks to Sometimes Sweet for the inspiration for today’s post. 

Currently I am…

Reading:  I am such a schitzophrenic reader. I have so many abandoned books, not because I didn’t like them, but because I wanted to read something else RIGHT THEN. I am at the moment, drowning myself in smutty romances in attempt to hide from stress. Drowning myself I tell you. I can’t tear through them fast enough. I have gone through this and this in the last twenty four hours. I know, I know. Quality reading.

I am also reading The Birth Partner as a requirement for my doula training which begins TOMORROW. Gasp! I love the topic but I won’t lie, it’s pretty dry.  I have the Emperor’s Edge on hold, half read. I also have Elaine Aron’s The Highly Sensitive Person continually banging around, reading parts of it as I have time and energy. It’s some heavy reading and ‘doing’ for me. Lots of internal work but honestly, if you are Highly Sensitive, think you might be or have an HSP family member, it’s a great place to begin.  (You can also see my growing list of resources here.)

Oh hey! I also am reading a TON of blogs lately! Thanks NaBloPoMo! I love having a full feed of blogs to read so keep up the great work people!

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Doing: I have spent some time each day searing and applying for jobs, but honestly? I am not doing much these days. I am lethargic from all that is going on, (as you may have read earlier this week) and I’m just not doing a whole lot. I feel guilty about this of course but some wise friends I think would categorize this as self care. I’d like to get out a bit more, but for now, I’m just making sure I am up, dressed (sort of), showered and fed. It’s a tall order these days.

Cooking: I’ve had a few days of I-have-no-energy-even-to-do-what-I-love, which suuuuuucks. It sucks to feel like you can’t even enjoy what normally makes you feel good, let alone feed yourself. Now I’ve gotten into the I-need-to-hide-from-the-pain-and-stress period of this crap, which means lots of cooking and baking.  Yesterday I had a pot of beans going all day, but other than that I laid in bed for over 12 hours, reading and napping.  A few days before that I made this Caramelized Onion Greek Yogurt Dip, which is DELICIOUS.  I’ve got Smitten Kitchen‘s Lazy Pizza Dough rising on my counter for a Mexican style pizza with queso fresco and I may try to do some baking. Perhaps banana bread or chocolate chip cookies. We shall see, it’s getting late, or at least I feel the pressure of evening bearing down on me.  (Side note: You should make the pizza and the dip. Really. )

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Thinking: I don’t even know. My head hurts. My brain is scattered and thoughts are all over the place. I want to get up and go out but don’t have the energy. Right now I just am thinking about my training this weekend and trying not to be too stressed about it. It will be 9am-6pm for three days. I’m excited but a little scared at the same time if I’m honest.

Watching:  Oh man, I am a TV watcher right now. I’ve exhausted my Vampire Diaries, The Originals, American Horror Story today. Last night it was Covert Affairs, White Collar, Elementary and The Voice.  This moment it’s Big Bang Theory and maybe some Archer for a little levity. As always, The Cosby Show is a daily occurance. DAILY.

Other shows that I am following this fall: Dracula, Reign, RHOBH, Vanderpump Rules, Top Chef, Cutthroat Kitchen

Working on: I am working on keeping myself upright. I am working on reaching out and being unapologetic for who I am and where I am. I am working on being more kind, less sarcastic, less crabby.  I’m working on writing more poetry. I’m working on putting myself out there more. I am working on feeding myself, exercising and laughing. I am working on healing some pretty deep wounds lately and I am really, truly working on understanding why they are there.  I’m working on making sure that I have a happy, healthy space.

More tangibly (or maybe not), I am working on some spiritual things. I am really giving a lot of thought into my application for the Sisterhood of Avalon. I think I am ready and am looking forward to the journey. I think it flows so well with my doula and midwifery training. I am a bit fluttery inside about it.

Loving: Pacifica’s hand lotions and body washes. I found a bunch of travel sized ones at Marshalls and have been going through them like crazy. I love the Hawaiian Ruby Guava, Blood Orange and the French Lilac. I may have to hunt down some of the spicier ones to sniff. I love scents. I’m also loving my new Sock Monkey slippers from Target.  I love them. They make me happy and are cozy on the hardwood floors. Sometimes little things make me feel good.

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Feeling grateful for: The friends who have come out of the woodwork to support me. So many people that I’ve never met, but would welcome into my home any day of the week at any time. So many lovely people that have texted, emailed, commented, tweeted and private messaged just to check in on me.  I cannot begin to tell you how much the outpouring of support has meant to me. It’s always such a risk putting yourself out there you know? It feels like one to me and I just…I am overwhelmed by the support. I can’t always find the right words to respond with, but I am listening and I feel you. Goodness do I.

So thank you if you’ve spoken to me, or prayed quietly for me. I feel the love and I hear you. I’m trying to hear you better so keep talking, keep speaking.  Thank you for being kind people.  There really are lovely people in this world. I know this for a fact.

What are you up to currently?

Peaceful and Happy

I’ll be honest with you folks. It’s been a rough week.

I’ve taken a tumble downward and have had a few dicey moments. I’m hanging in there and taking it day by day but this prompt couldn’t have come at a better time. I really have needed to take a few minutes and look back over the positives this week. Those moments of peace and happiness. The things that I wasn’t spinning over, that actually calmed me and made me smile. So, thanks Ginger.

Packages. I got packages this week. With my birthday coming up I was expecting a couple but it was a good week to get them. I got one from my Nana that had Pepper Jack Cheez-Its in it as well as a bright, fun purse, flavoured K-cups and a little fun money.  We spoke a couple weeks ago and I mentioned that we couldn’t get other flavours of Cheez-Its here. She’s so cute. Mom sent me a bunch of ‘little nothings’ in a CDP style package. I couldn’t resist with such crappy times and I opened all the brightly coloured tissue paper wrapped packages. My Mom would be a great CDP sender as I got lots of little kitchen gadgets and she sprinkled candy across the top! I hadn’t had a tootsie pop for YEARS. It was a really happy moment that I believe I cried through. Shocking, Sarah. Shocking.

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The best package I received this week though, was my CDP from April. I’ve been anxiously awaiting its arrival and was SO happy to have it in my hot little hands. Of course, I now feel anxiety because I’ve opened a few already in the last two days. Ridiculous. It’s just so thoughtful to hold a package like that in your hands you know? Something that a friend thoughtfully put together for you, thinking of you on the days where you need to be thought of. It made my day yesterday and I am ever so grateful.

I had a few hours to myself on Monday, Canada Day, and I spent it at the pool. It was so nice to lie in the sun, read and just breathe. I listened to kids running around and enjoying the beautiful weather. I watched seaplanes land on the ocean. It was so peaceful and lovely. I got to have a nice light dinner afterwards, a delicious drink and to top it off with Canada Day fireworks. For a day that started off iffy, it had some beautiful happy moments for me.

One of the most peaceful things for me this past week was honestly getting to take many  naps. I rarely indulge and allow myself to nap but with my emotions being out of whack and the temperature being STUPID HOT and humid, I just gave in and napped. Recharged. Sometimes several times a day. It always felt good to curl up in bed for those naps and I felt better for taking them. Indulgent maybe but I think I really needed them and listening to my body was a smart thing to do. I should remember that.

The other thing I really want to remember and note in the happiness category is my twitter family. My goodness. You guys really reinforce the idea that the internet truly can be a beautiful place with honestly GOOD people in it. Sure there are assholes out there, but the people I’m around? So much love and understanding for the world. Old friends. New friends. Doesn’t matter, your’e loved. I feel so guilty for whining, moping and just being low. I think things like “I’m not as bad as other people” or “There are people truly starving in Africa” to try and diminish my own feelings, to not trouble other people but boy, you all just hold your friends close. You hold them up when they can’t hold themselves up. You hug them and help make them feel like they are not alone in this world. I cannot thank you all enough for the support and love you continue to show, not just to me but to everyone around you. You’re making the world a better place, one note of support at a time. You’re gorgeous people and I feel so honoured to be among you.

I have had a few happy moments and beautifully peaceful moments this week and while not as many as I’d like to have had, there were sunny spots to remember.  I think tomorrow I’ll create my own peaceful moment with a quiet morning prayer to Kuan Yin in front of my gorgeous porcelain statue.

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Yes, I think I’ll do that.

(This post inspired by Bring Back The Words Week 3 link up over on Ramble Ramble! Why not check out the other people participating or join in yourself? Everyone could use some inspiration and community!)