I just read an article that Alan Cumming wrote for Canada’s Globe and Mail. He mentions how the French do not make ‘missing’ about us. It isn’t, “Oh I miss you.” They say, “Tu Me Manques” – to me, you are missing. Boy, that socked me in the gut, today.
That truly is how I feel. In these calm moments where I feel confident in the solidity of our marriage. Confident in his love for me and our ability to weather storms. Confident in where this separation will land us – him with more experience and potentially a better job, me, with more experience as well and hopefully, an inner strength that I know I need to find. Confident in the way this will force us to better communicate. To love harder. To talk more. In these quiet moments where I simply feel sad and heavy, that perfectly describes how I feel.
To me, he is missing.
My walk through the city feels lovely, but, it would feel just a smidge better, with his arm around me. Ordering from our favorite Mexican joint is so delicious, but something’s missing. Everything is fine, wonderful, good – but, to me, he is missing. No one is critiquing the investigation on TV. No one is at home talking about some serial murderer. The books that I used to joke about, the ones on interrogation, hunting humans and sexualized violence – are missing. The sweat shorts that are always tossed on the shelf, are missing. The bathmat is always hanging where it should be…
Tu me, manques.
It’s those little things that I miss, and more and more as I think about it, it isn’t that I miss him, it’s that he truly is missing from these things. These life events. These moments. I’ve been so blessed to have shared these moments with him for nearly 10 years. TEN. He and I have had so many fights, so many ups and downs, so many really…really…really hard moments. SO many times that we have both taken each other for granted. We’ve both gotten caught up in hurt or work, or school, or or or. We’ve gotten caught up in the wrong things. We expected the other person to just…be there. Because, well, why wouldn’t they be?
If there’s one thing that I take away from this time apart, is that I never, ever, ever…EVER…want to take him for granted again. I can’t. It breaks my heart to think of the moments we’ve lost because of doing just that. I am so very aware of how much he is in my life, in my heart and in those moments when I take a second to really look and see the whole picture. He’s in my packed lunch, the coffee in bed, he’s in my routine of checking in and of coming home. To me, he is missing.
I vow to try as hard as I might, to never take his presence, the small things he does to show me he loves me, for granted. To never take HIM for granted. I’m human and I make mistakes, but I want the rest of our lives to be the best ones yet.
For now, Andrew, tu me, manques.