Tag Archives: confessions

Overflowing

I overflow a lot.

In the form of tears. Words. Gasping sobs. Sometimes quiet woe. Often energy that has me flying around like a whirling dervish. Sometimes with feelings that I can’t find the words to express without rambling.

As I described before, it’s like this feeling in my chest gets too big for me. Too wild. Too strong. I can’t contain it anymore. Cue spillage.  I mean, we make fun of this one birth video because the woman says she, “Could feel the love bursting forth from her womb” when she looked at her husband while in labor. (In 26 births, I have yet to see love bursting from anyone’s womb.)

But lately? It’s kind of like that.

Andrew and I have been together for almost ten years now. TEN. I met him when he was *cough* a teenager *cough*. We’ve been together since before he could legally drink.  I’ve watched him grow up and I have become a completely different person who is no longer running, but deeply intent on staying put.  With his departure rapidly approaching, I can’t help but look over the years past. Where we’ve been, what we’ve done, how far we’ve dome.  I think that’s inevitable.

Amidst the sadness, the fear, the worry and all of those “I’m going to miss you!” feelings, there is also this intense sense of pride and this huge…swelling in my chest that I can’t contain. It’s built up of love, pride and just emotion. I started really feeling it when I sat at his MA Thesis defense a couple months ago.  He rolled his eyes when I told him I teared up, but I DID! He was so casual, so non-chalantly speaking on topics that the average person would have no idea about. He spoke about linguistic analysis, he spoke about the habits of serial killers’ language, he spoke easily about cognitive load and speculation for further study. He had an intense panel that included the world’s top profiler, one of the world’s leading experts in deception detection and one of about 50, licensed forensic evaluators in the country.  It was so impressive and yet they all conversed with ease. They threw him tough questions that he didn’t bat an eleash at returning. He spoke so eloquently with such knowledge and poise – I just couldn’t help but tear up.  I mean, I always knew he was smart but this? This was different.

When I think about him leaving, it feels like there’s this gaping hole in my chest. Like part of me is being torn out without consent.  And yes, while I’ll miss the sweetness of him making coffee for me in the morning or packing my lunch, and the help that he gives me while I work three jobs – mostly? I’ll just miss being around him.  I’ll miss hearing him jabber on about this criminal or this case – things normally I just roll my eyes at (while secretly swooning).  I’ll miss hearing about his work int he FBI lab, or him joking about how the tri-state area is safe from eco-terrorists for the day. (He’s been involved in a research project and he’s been interrogating fake terrorists.)  I’ll miss his brain. His heart. His drive.  Yes, I’ll still see him or hear his voice via skype and phone, but it won’t be the same.

In the last year or so, I’ve just been so overcome by how far WE have come together.  I’ve gone from not having an idea of where I wanted to be, from being a housewife (that sucked at housewifey things), from being depressed and aimless, from fearing another birthday, to a woman who has direction. A woman who has supported over 26 families through pregnancy and childbirth. A woman who has begun teaching countless more through childbirth education. A woman who burns passionately for women and babies. For their rights. Their choice. Their births.  I’ve become firey once again, and while with that comes the emotion, I’m realizing slowly that in order to be the best doula (and hopeful midwife) I can be, I need to be able to be vulnerable and tap into those feelings.

He has gone from front line security and law enforcement applicant, to having alphabet soup after his name. To having three documents working on publication. To having results that may potentially affect his field in a major way.  He has become so confident. So strong. His brain is so well fed and growing. He has a job that is begging for him to start sooner and two advisors all but begging him to come back to complete his PhD. He’s gone from having one job prospect to seeing the world open up before him with opportunities, including private enterprise.  I just am in awe.

Together, we’ve weathered such storms that many marriages and relationships never have to weather. We’ve grown individually and it has made us so strong together.  Sure, we fight. Oh, boy, do we FIGHT.  But in the end, we are together. We’re better, together, and I feel like we both really know that now. We might not have before, when we were idealistic young people, but now? We know it.

I am just overflowing with all the feels, but there are some pretty big, wonderful ones in the mix.

Music!

I am tired and anxious about my first day tomorrow so I thought I’d do a little blog meme to pass the time!

    1. Song that always makes you happy – Geek in the Pink by Jason Mraz. I can’t help but dance and groove to it when it’s on! 
    2. Song you listen to when you’re sad – Damien Rice – 9 Crimes. 
    3. Favourite album of all time – Goodness, can anyone really choose this? I will always love Eric Clapton Unplugged. Dave Matthews Band – Crash and Live at Luther College will always make the list. 

 

  1. A memory associated to an artist of your choosing – Guys, I was a bit of a stoner for a bit in college. Shocker right? I remember going to a PHISH concert with my then boyfriend. We ate brownies and…I ate too much. I have select memories from that concert and they are funny. Probably just to me.  I also have some pretty funny memories to Pink Floyd, mainly because he is always attached to laser light shows. In case you wondered – the sound of a beer can opening is well hidden by the opening cash registers of ‘Money’. 
  2. First record you bought – Naughty by Nature – 19 Naughty III (aaahahhahaha. On cassette.)
  3. A song that reminds you of someone you love – Anything by Joshua Redman, Army by Ben Folds Five
  4. Most hated song of all time – anything by Taylor Swift. 
  5. Favourite guitar solo – Just about anything from Live at Luther College (Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds) or something from Leo Kottke. 
  6. A song no one would expect you to love – Blurred Lines? 
  7. A song you’d like at your funeral – Jason Mraz – Live High
  8. A song you’d like for your first dance – My first dance WAS to The Doors – The End. Haaa, oh Sarah
  9. Karaoke song – American Pie, simply because it was my first karaoke when I lived in Copenhagen. 
  10. An artist you used to love but don’t really listen to now – Soul Coughing. I still love them, but haven’t listened in a long time! 
  11. Which genre of music features most heavily in your collection – Indie? Acoustic? 
  12. Which genre(s) do you try to avoid – COUNTRY.

So there’s a taste of my musical history! Wish me luck, tomorrow is my first day of training. 

I promise I’ll have some substance…soon. 

Confessions

Sometimes I lick the butter knife. (Don’t worry, I don’t use it afterwards!)

I still sleep with a stuffed animal. Currently, her name is Lucy. She is a moosey.

I often forget that I need to go to the bathroom. I need to be reminded. (Order me up the Depends now, folks.)

I stress bake. And cook. I need more mouths to feed.

I dislike being the last one awake to the point of actively working to keep someone up, but I looooove going to bed FIRST.

I like to read some seriously smutty novels, but I tend to skip past the sex. Go figure.

I very often don’t want to shower because ‘I don’t want to get wet’.

I am fascinated by many religions. I wish I could pick people’s brains constantly. I just don’t want to be a part of most of them.

I find it difficult to spell color, favorite, neighbor and especially labor without the U. (Colour, labour etc.)

I know NOTHING of Harry Potter and strangely have no interest. I haven’t read a book, seen a movie or anything else. So I never have a clue when people talk HP, but…eh?