I have been trying to think of how I could accurately describe what a “HSP moment” is like for me, as I sit and come down from a stormy spinup this morning and somberly process my emotions, actions and interactions.
Sometimes, it feels so beautiful and passionate when I feel something. It’s like, my chest swells with this warmth, love, pride, whatever the feeling is. It grows so large, so big that I cannot help but let those emotions spill out over everything. The feeling spills into tears as they roll down my cheeks and I just feel like I am swallowed whole by the emotion. It can happen anywhere, about nearly anything and I am left completely transformed with emotion in that moment.
Othertimes, it combines with my anxiety and they do battle. I get ‘spiked’, or worried about something. Maybe a tone someone had, or the words they used, or how they said something, that makes me start to worry. Maybe they are mad at me? Maybe they’re unhappy? Maybe I did something wrong? Then it begins to spin further into worst case. What makes this spin even worse, is that I can actually FEEL the frustration from the other party. I can feel the confusion, the frustration that I won’t just STOP what I’m feeling and again, I am completely overwhelmed with sensation. With their facial expressions. With their tone of voice. With some way that they said what they said. They might tell me that it’s all fine, everything is okay – but unless I can FEEL that it’s okay – I cannot let myself believe them. I just can’t. It’s like I can feel them still being frustrated or angry or confused. Whatever. It’s a really hard moment and something I work on trying to sort out but man, it’s hard.
I feel so completely and utterly, out of control and totally misunderstood in the moment.
It’s also so hard on those I love. The hope that they can help me, or understand me at the very least and not blow up too. The hope that they can hold me and love me despite these flare ups. The need for them to accept me as I am, without wishing I was different. It’s hard enough to wish that I was different myself…let alone thinking that others would like it if I were different too.
At its best, I feel so lucky to feel so deeply. To smell so richly. To feel that swell in my chest of love. Of pride. Of warmth and sunshine. To be so moved by the chirp of a bird or the depth of a sunset. But at its worst? It’s like this terrible nightmare that assaults all my senses, that I can. not. wake from. I can’t get out. I can’t stop feeling. I can’t stop hearing. Smelling. Feeling. Thinking. I know it’s happening, but I’m feeling things so fast that I can’t stop it, I can’t get out and I can’t stop and say, “Hey, I”m having a hard time right now.”
It feels like a toddler who is feeling, but can’t express themselves yet so they throw a tantrum. I feel like a freaking child throwing themselves on the floor. Then comments come about how keeping my emotions in check would be an adult thing to do. Salt on the wound. Insult to injury.
I AM an adult. I just can’t always control it.
I was reading a book and they quoted Pearl S. Buck, and the quote spoke so much to me.
A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive.
To him… a touch is a blow,
a sound is a noise,
a misfortune is a tragedy,
a joy is an ecstasy,
a friend is a lover,
a lover is a god,
and failure is death.
I appreciate the gifts I have that allow me to be compassionate for others, that allow me to be a wonderful doula who recognizes what others need, that allow me to love fully and completely.
Just sometimes, I wish it were a little easier.