But I really, really want to.
I know this sounds ridiculous and you are all probably like, “Well, Sarah, just don’t do it and do something you love!” which sounds so simple and beautiful. I just can’t do that. It’s not just fitness that brings the masochism out in me. It’s food too. I don’t like black pepper, cilantro or turnip. Yet! I will eat them all as often as I am able. I’ll put pepper and cilantro in food. I’ll put turnips in stew. I will order food at restaurants with those items in it, simply because I don’t like NOT liking something. I know. I know. Ridiculous.
It’s true though. I hate not liking something. What if my distaste for a food, or an activity or whatever limits me!? What If I’m missing out on some AMAZING dish or food combination because I have a distaste for something? What if I pass by an opportunity because I didn’t like the location, or what was for lunch, or or or.
What if I’m just not giving yoga the chance it deserves?
There’s another part to this too. I often think, the things we struggle with the most are the very ones we really need. High intensity activity just fits me. I love it. I love getting my heart rate just screaming with great music, high intensity moves and a great burn. I love lifting heavy enough to really struggle and feel EXHAUSTED in the end, but know I got a great workout. I struggle however, with slowing down and being calm. I don’t do well really being in the present. I don’t do well when I’m asked to be still, be quiet and listen to that silence. I mean, REALLY struggle with it. I’m sure we all do to an extent, I just know that it is still important to find that space.
I want to find that space. I want to work through the uncomfortableness I feel in the stillness. I want to find quiet inside. I really do feel like where I’m at right now both emotionally and physically, that something a bit more gentle and flowing will be better for my body. That is, IF I could get myself into it. I have a lot I’m working through right now and yoga just FEELS like a good place to start.
I just…can’t get into it. It always sounds like a great idea yet in practice? Eh. Is the fridge humming? I wonder what’s going on with Twitter. Did I buy orange juice? What should I make for dinner? Where is the cat? Do I smell something strange? Immediately as soon as I start, once I get my head out of the way to ACTUALLY start, all of the things slam into my brain. ALL OF THE THINGS. I am suddenly aware of EVERYTHING that is ontop of me. All those things above, and then all the stresses that I tend to push back, push down and plaster a smile ontop of. I’m aware of every little ache, every little struggle. Physical. Mental. Emotional. All of it, all at once. And then my friends – I run.
Off goes the podcast or DVD and I’m off to be busy and flood myself with other things rather than my thoughts. High intensity working out pushes all that crap to the side because it requires 110% of my efforts in that moment. I feel awesome for hours, but of course, eventually it all comes back. I’m kind of tired of feeling like a serial exerciser, some crazy addict that has to work harder, jump higher and be stronger just to deal with her own brain.
So I guess what I’m saying people, is I’m really overwhelmed right now and need to deal with this shit. ASAP. I think yoga could help me find a space to really sort through some things while still feeling like I’m making a difference in my health.
I really do want to stop running from stillness and into it.