Monthly Archives: February 2013

I WANT to love yoga

I just…don’t.

But I really, really want to.

I know this sounds ridiculous and you are all probably like, “Well, Sarah, just don’t do it  and do something you love!” which sounds so simple and beautiful. I just can’t do that. It’s not just fitness that brings the masochism out in me. It’s food too. I don’t like black pepper, cilantro or turnip. Yet! I will eat them all as often as I am able. I’ll put pepper and cilantro in food. I’ll put turnips in stew. I will order food at restaurants with those items in it, simply because I don’t like NOT liking something. I know. I know. Ridiculous.

It’s true though. I hate not liking something. What if my distaste for a food, or an activity or whatever limits me!? What If I’m missing out on some AMAZING dish or food combination because I have a distaste for something? What if I pass by an opportunity because I didn’t like the location, or what was for lunch, or or or.

What if I’m just not giving yoga the chance it deserves?

There’s another part to this too. I often think, the things we struggle with the most are the very ones we really need. High intensity activity just fits me. I love it. I love getting my heart rate just screaming with great music, high intensity moves and a great burn. I love lifting heavy enough to really struggle and feel EXHAUSTED in the end, but know I got a great workout. I struggle however, with slowing down and being calm. I don’t do well really being in the present. I don’t do well when I’m asked to be still, be quiet and listen to that silence. I mean, REALLY struggle with it. I’m sure we all do to an extent, I just know that it is still important to find that space.

I want to find that space. I want to work through the uncomfortableness I feel in the stillness. I want to find quiet inside. I really do feel like where I’m at right now both emotionally and physically, that something a bit more gentle and flowing will be better for my body. That is, IF I could get myself into it.  I have a lot I’m working through right now and yoga just FEELS like a good place to start.

I just…can’t get into it. It always sounds like a great idea yet in practice? Eh. Is the fridge humming? I wonder what’s going on with Twitter. Did I buy orange juice? What should I make for dinner? Where is the cat? Do I smell something strange? Immediately as soon as I start, once I get my head out of the way to ACTUALLY start, all of the things slam into my brain. ALL OF THE THINGS.  I am suddenly aware of EVERYTHING that is ontop of me. All those things above, and then all the stresses that I tend to push back, push down and plaster a smile ontop of.  I’m aware of every little ache, every little struggle. Physical. Mental. Emotional. All of it, all at once.  And then my friends – I run.

Off goes the podcast or DVD and I’m off to be busy and flood myself with other things rather than my thoughts. High intensity working out pushes all that crap to the side because it requires 110% of my efforts in that moment. I feel awesome for hours, but of course, eventually it all comes back. I’m kind of tired of feeling like a serial exerciser, some crazy addict that has to work harder, jump higher and be stronger just to deal with her own brain.

So I guess what I’m saying people, is I’m really overwhelmed right now and need to deal with this shit. ASAP. I think yoga could help me find a space to really sort through some things while still feeling like I’m making a difference in my health.

I really do want to stop running from stillness and into it.

Leaning on People

I’m awful at reaching out to people. AWFUL. Horrible. I just don’t do it.

Then I end up being so alone and struggling by myself, wishing I had someone that I could talk to. When the truth is, I think people willing to listen are right there but I have to actually ask. I have to initiate.

I’ve been spending a lot of time lately thinking about why I don’t reach out. What stops me. A friend asked me yesterday, “Why didn’t you tell me all this was going on SOONER, Sarah?” and I didn’t really have an immediate answer for her. I thought for a bit, tearfully, and finally said, “I didn’t want to be judged, and I felt guilty laying it all out on someone.”

Her response was sweet and kind of course, but it really got me thinking. I have isolated myself. I’ve spent years, shutting out the past when I’ve moved for fear of judgement. Misunderstanding. Just out of FEAR and that, ladies and gentlemen, sucks. I hate living by fear. I hate people being controlled by fear. I just hate it, but there it is. Bam. In my face.

The worst part is? As soon as I have talked to people about what is aching inside me, the weight has lifted. There have been moments that I’ve just prayed for something to take the weight, the pain off of me for an hour or two and everytime I’ve opened up to a friend, it has lifted. Maybe not permanently, but it has lifted and allowed me to breathe and to move forward even half a step that day.

As much as I have no problem and in fact, encourage people to lean on ME, I have never felt like I could open up to them. I’ve always felt awkward going past a certain point with someone, no matter how much I have actually wanted to.  I have felt important and trusted when friends and others have come to me with their issues. I haven’t judged them. I’ve been able to listen, to talk to them, sometimes give a little tough love. It has felt good to be there for people. I’ve just never given the benefit of the doubt to others. I’ve never trusted others to not be judgemental or to not shame me for the choices I’ve made in life.

That just isn’t fair. It isn’t fair to me, but it also isn’t fair to those around me that have WANTED to help me.  I have to trust people around me to tell me when they can’t take anymore. Or to tell me the truth when I need to hear it.  I need to trust that people don’t offer help or aid if they can’t do it. (I think this comes from me offering myself even when I am drained and exhausted…worrying that others will do the same)  I need to trust that when someone says they won’t judge me or are happy to listen, that they really are happy to help. They may be compassionate and sympathetic, even empathetic and they may be able to offer perspective that you might not have seen otherwise.

Afterall, when you’re in the thick of things, you don’t see things clearly. You panic. You make rash decisions. You make assumptions that are often incorrect. Unless you reach out to someone else, those assumptions may never have a chance to be corrected.

So I’m going to try my hardest to trust those around me.  Thanks to those who have been listening to me lately. I am so, so grateful and dare I say blessed.