Category Archives: Work

Two Months In…

So, as of last Wednesday, we’re two months into this stupid separation crap. I’ve resorted to sarcasm and grumpiness, lest I devolve into a flood of tears. (Which also happens regularly. Usually in the evening).  I am at the point where I often grumble about how I ‘HAD to fall in love with a Canadian!’ like I could have controlled that one.  For the most part though, I’m ok.  Sometimes, I’m very not, okay.

The first month was extremely rough. He was falling into a job with higher expectations than he had believed, with crazier hours (14 hour days…ALL WEEK) and insane learning curves.  My life was…much the same. Same apartment. Same mess. Same work. Same. Same. Boring. Same.  I didn’t even know where he lived really, or what his days were like. I didn’t know what he was doing, where he was, if he missed me. It was a huge mindfuck for me. Thank god for my friends because if it weren’t for them…honestly? I don’t know where I’d be. They quite literally held me up when I could not go any further. They listened to my whining, my crying, my insane anxiety spirals, everything. They listened. They tried to help. I could feel their love across the miles.

I tried to do as much as I could to support myself in that time. I cooked meals. I started to exercise. I worked to find a therapist. (And then another therapist. And now…am on the hunt again.)  I found a GP and talked to him about medication, which was a HUGE jump for me after my horrible experience with Effexor in 2004-2005. He listened to me, he was so kind, so caring and genuine. I LOVE him and am so glad I found him. I’ve now been on a low dose of Lexapro for about 6 weeks and I think it’s taking the edge off of the daily, constant, CHRONIC spin.  I plan on seeing him for some other health concerns I haven’t gotten taken care of due to lack of insurance…soon.

It all helped as much as it could. Probably was the reason I wasn’t in bed every single day, wasting away. I started losing weight, I avoided the crap food lest it make me feel crappier. I really did feel like I was doing the best I could in a seriously shitteous situation. I felt proud of that. I felt like, “I might make it!”

Then his job evened out. He felt more capable and confident. We started talking more.  At first I was so ecstatic. I felt like our love was renewed. We both felt so close, so committed. We started talking about the future and what would happen. Would he come back here? Would I move there? Who was moving where and what implications that had on our future. It was…amazing.  So reconnecting and just…it demolished any negative thoughts and fears that I had with one fell swoop.

Fast forward to today. It’s been a rough couple weeks. I had a birth false alarm, then I got sick with a cold that turned into the mucusy cough that wouldn’t die. My coworker gave notice. I went to a client in what we thought was active labor, at 4am, for 4 hours…then it all stopped. I slept for a few hours and went to work.  Later that night, I went to a DIFFERENT birth and was up all night with them until 7am. Then I attempted to go to another birth, back to back.  It was crazy. Less than a week later, I went to another birth ( a VBAC at home!) and then labor slowed and…I went to work. FINALLY that baby was born and I got home at 4am.  This is all within a 2 week span and did not include the fact that I was still going to appointments, interviewing applications for my coworker’s job, teaching 7 hours per week, all day Sunday and still just…keeping up with life.  I’m still coughing and have two postpartum visits for next week but..man. It really set me off in a bad way.

I’ve felt unsteady and apathetic for the last two weeks. I’m exhausted, like bone tired. Not just “i didn’t get sleep” tired, but TIRED. I feel like I have no more stores of energy to get myself up and moving. I wake up tired. I work tired. I stopped working out. I stopped having the energy to cook great meals. I crave sugar and crap. I get weepy at the drop of a hat and I explode with feelings if someone asks me how I’m doing. Andrew is at a loss of how to help when he’s so far away but he keeps trying.  I’m not depressed. I’m sad, sure. It’s a shitty place to be. But I’m not depressed daily. I’m just fucking tired.  I think I’m going to talk to my GP about adrenal fatigue when I see him in two weeks.  We shall see.

Other than feeling completely unstable and not knowing what I’ll be like at any given moment…I’m still upright. I’m still putting one foot in front of the other. I’m working. I’m teaching. I’m loving my clients and students. I’m still inspired by birth, by the midwives and clients I work with. It’s still my passion and my love, even when it gets hard.  I guess that’s why it’s my calling, or a good tip that it is. Even when it’s at its roughest, I can still see the light. (Sometimes not in that moment, but..it’s there).

We’re looking at me moving to be with him and immigrating from inside. It means I can’t work for 2 years, but…we’re thinking…maybe that’s the window we need to start a family. Maybe that’s a sign, saying, “HEy. You can’t work on your career or go to school for 2 years….I know you want a baby so…”.  We’re feeling like, if we do that, then we can get ahead in life. If he returns for his PhD…it’s another 4 years of struggling, not trying for babies and just making ends meet. Andrew’s willing to give up the PhD for now, to help us get ahead as a couple and as a family.  That’s a huge thing in my book so we’re looking pretty seriously at it.

After the first month, I just don’t care what we do, honestly. I just want to be with him, whatever that takes. Anywhere in the world. As long as I’m with him, I don’t really care.

My current plan is this: Get my eating and drinking under control. Get regular, healthy food and enough water into me so that I feel stable. Then add in some exercise and see where that takes me.  I’m sitting here meal planning and putting one foot in front of the other. I’ll make it. I have to.

What’s the Plan?

It’s been a while since I posted anything about what I’ve been eating (or planning to eat) so I figured I’d give you all and update!

It really has been quite the transition from basically being a homemaker to working not only nearly full time, but also an unpredictable and odd schedule. I’ll be honest, it’s sucked. Some nights I get home at 9pm or later. Some days I leave the house at 6am. It’s kind of all over the place and I’ve really struggled to figure out not only what to eat, but how and when to eat. Mix in trying to get back into some sort of fitness routine and well…like I said before, you parents are amazing. Multitaskers to the MAX and I am so impressed.

That said, I’ve been really trying hard to eat at least 4 times a day. Breakfast, a shake, lunch and dinner.

Breakfast has generally been a couple of scrambled eggs with a piece of toast. I’ve experimented with having loaded oatmeal but it just doesn’t hold me like eggs do. Oh, and coffee. I love my coffee. I don’t feel like a zombie without it, but I really just love the smell, taste and the ritual of coffee.

Lunch has been a bit harder since on most days, I start work at 2pm. Often I’ll sip on my smoothie for a couple hours, then go to my lunch around 4pm. Different types of ‘loaded’ salads have been great. Romaine, edamame, almonds and cabbage with carrot-ginger-miso dressing. Spinach with feta, cranberries, almonds and chickpeas with a balsamic or orange vinaigrette. Kale with black beans, tomatoes, baked yams, corn and bbq tofu with a homemade tofu ranch. They are filling and have really worked!

But. I’m getting bored. What do you do for lunch?

Dinners are the hardest thing. I’m so used to cooking at night. I love it. I love the time spent making nutritious food but getting home after 8pm just…doesn’t work. So I’ve had to really be better about meal planning and preparing recipes that my husband can help with so that I don’t turn into a hypoglycemia-monster when I get home at 8:30pm.

SO! Without further rambling – here is the plan for this week:

What’s on your menu? Do you have any favorite fast-and-furious meals that you can toss together in an instant? 

Back on my Game

Man, this whole going back to work while keeping the rest of life going thing is no joke.

I realize I have no children and only 500 square feet to care for but please understand what I did not before now.  It has been over THREE YEARS since I have had to leave the house to work. I have been able to try and care for myself while keeping house, laundry, errands and 100% of the cooking from scratch.

I had also forgotten how much energy working with the public and the pained takes out of you. I actually really love the work. I love helping people get well, helping them stay on track amd working with positive,  health-minded people.

It’s just tough sometimes. Being a highly sensitive person doesn’t help either.  It takes a lot of energy to learn all the new systems and procedures all while helping patients. I feel things from patients and staff that might be completely unrelated but…painful or negative all the same. I am hard on myself when I make a mistake, despite the fact I have only had 2.5 days of actual training.

I am struggling to remain focused sometimes, I’ll admit. I forget to eat. I feel scattered. I think that might be normal when there are two people waiting in front of you, you’re on the phone, the second line is blinking, other staff are buzzing around, you’re still learning to manage the six schedules and a beeper is going off to tell you need to take a patient from their room. Just maybe a scattered brain could be understood.

I come home at 8:30pm on work days and I am USELESS. I swear. I want to get up and cook because it makes me happy but my brain is mush, my body is tired and my feet ache. Oh, I am also usually STARVING.

So, all of you super Moms out there…I SALUTE YOU. Holy cow. You really are amazing and super. You give, give, give…and so rarely get. You deserve so much love, support and respect.

Thank you all for the continued support. I’m sorry to not be around a lot right now…but I hope you understand. I miss you all. I worry that someone needs supporting and I am not there,  most of all.

I’ll get in my groove. I am only part time and it isn’t enough sadly, but I am SO grateful for this job. I love the office and the staff. I love the patients I get to help. It will get better. I’ll get stronger and will figure out my way.

Do you have any tips for meal prepping ahead? Any tips on saving your energy? Any great packed lunches or quick breakfasts you love?