Tag Archives: sadness

Prayers

There is so much in my family right now that weighs heavily on my heart. If you could spare some good thoughts, prayers or some love right now, we would all be so grateful.

My Mom’s little baby, her dear, sweet rescue pup Sam had surgery yesterday on his MCL. He is at the vet overnight and will come home tomorrow afternoon. He has a whole list of exercises that my parents will have to do with him daily, not to mention weekly visits to Doggie Physical Therapy. He is only 5, so hopefully this will increase his quality of life, but it’s a long road.

My Dad is finishing his third round of chemotherapy. He is 4 days post treatment and is starting the upswing after 3 days of feeling like crap. He is so strong you guys, but I still worry so much about him.

My husband’s coworker, Frank, passed today. Frank was in remission from prostate cancer until a bit over a year ago. He was one hell of a guy, a bartender that taught me to love gin and tonics again and never let my glass stay empty. He was a jovial face and someone I always looked forward to seeing at the hotel. Frank also saved my husband from getting even more hurt the night he was injured at work. Alone on shift, he was sucker punched by a jackass he was evicting from the bar.  Frank, came out from behind the bar and took the guy’s legs out from under him, potentially saving my husband from further harm.  It makes me so sad, he will be missed.  Everyone have a G&T for Frank.

My Aunt’s cancer numbers have come back high. Last winter she was just beginning her fight with a very bad case of ovarian cancer that had long gone undetected. Multiple surgeries and treatments left her in the clear this summer. She will be going in for an MRI this week so we will know more soon. They knew it wasn’t IF it came back, but WHEN. Still, pretty scary.

Lastly, my Grandmother is aging, as happens. Her friends are passing. Most recently, her closest friend had a stroke and died suddenly. Now, next week she will be traveling to see her younger sister in Alabama, most likely for the last time. Aunt J was such a sharp woman, in intellect, wit and tongue. She has had some struggles in the recent past, most recently ending with a diagnosis of severe dementia. She was moved to a care facility in Mobile (she lived her whole life in Birmingham), her house was sold and her ailing dog had to be put to sleep. She sometimes knows what is going on, sometimes not, but has never asked about her dog. My Aunt will be flying in from California to take Nana to Alabama. I can feel Nana’s pain and sadness, the heaviness and worry in her heart, even when she doesn’t speak it.  It’s so sad, but due to Nana’s aging, I do fear this is the last visit she will have with her sister, and I am sad.

Lots of heavy stuff folks,  without wven thinking of my own struggles.  So much hurt, fear and pain. I love you all for the good thoughts, love and prayers. Thanks so much.

May your families be healthy, strong and together.

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It Ain’t Easy

You know how the song goes.

It ain’t easy being green,
having to spend each day the colour of the leaves.
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow, or gold
Or something much more colourful like that 

Well. I often feel like this. While I appreciate the fact that I am highly sensitive and even empathic, sometimes it’s just freaking hard.  When I stop and think of the process I have to go through to communicate, to go out, to stay sane, I wish I were like everyone else. You know – normal.  I’m not saying that everyone doesn’t have it rough sometimes, or that it isn’t a really special thing for me sometimes, but in general? It’s a whole lot of crap that I have to deal with on a regular basis just to try and thrive. I don’t often talk about it or really even admit it because hell, it’s just what I do, but man I’m here to tell you it’s really tough sometimes.

Lately I’ve had a really hard time with my emotions.  I am quite emotional on a good day but recently I’m finding it harder and harder to be immune to other people’s emotions. So many friends, both local and internet friends, are struggling. Ill family. Sick pets. Struggling. In pain. Worried. Stressed. Hurting. Normally, I feel for people very deeply and want to do anything I can, but lately? Lately I’ve FELT those things. I know it seems crazy, but it’s really true. I’ve been having a hard time staying afloat myself with all the ups and downs.  I was in tears over a friend that was struggling this week. I paced and worried for a friend’s dog that was sick. While I want to reach out and hug everyone that is hurting – sometimes I just could use a hug myself. It’s just not always easy to admit just how hard I’m having it right now because it isn’t like this is a unique moment. This is just…me.

I’m dealing with some pretty serious personal stress these days which is often tough enough, but adding in the pain of the world? I’m just no contest to it. I’m crushed under the weight of the world lately, or that’s how it feels. I know it sounds dramatic but it is truly how it feels sometimes.  I wouldn’t want people to stop sharing, or stop leaning on me – quite the opposite, but sometimes I wonder how I’m going to keep going.  I don’t feel depressed really, just overwhelmed and exhausted.  Toss in there that apparently allergies have made an appearance in my body after years of being absent too. It is also hard for me to admit all this because well, children in Africa are starving. Friends have family members that are dying. Some people can’t get out of bed in the morning. CLEARLY, everyone else has it worse than I do so somehow that has bearing on whether or not it’s okay for me to suck too. I’m telling you, my head is awesome sometimes.

I keep referring to the “Spoon Theory” and depending on how stressed or emotional I am to start the day, I start with even fewer spoons. I’ve started calling it a Spoon Tax. The more weight that is on me, the more worry – the higher the spoon tax, which then leaves me with even fewer spoons to get through my day. Sometimes, I can borrow from the next day, but you see the problem with this I’m sure. How do I get through the next day?

It is making it difficult for me to get out and enjoy life.  I can’t run as many errands in a day as I used to or I get overwhelmed to the point of tears. I can’t shop a whole mall at once or by the end, I’m listless, exhausted and my head is throbbing. I try and plan a day out and a few hours in, I’m just done. I am struggling to deal with emotional and personal things, because I just can’t do it ALL in one day and I can’t stand to sink so low for so long.  It is making it even tougher than normal, to ignore the loud music from my upstairs neighbour (which had me so frustrated I was in tears two nights ago, at 11pm, in bed.) Making it harder to block out the smell of grilled meat from the side neighbour and even harder not to burst into tears when I hear a different upstairs neighbour screaming at his girlfriend at the top of his lungs at 3am, while I’m lying awake listening to it with a racing heart in fear. Everything affects me lately, so deeply, like a cut that you can’t see the true depth. It seems crazy, but it really is the truth, friends.

It’s really frustrating to have to split your needs up, because of how few spoons you have.  I can accept that I am highly sensitive, that I am processing more information all the time in general. I can even see it as a special and good thing a lot of the time, but I can’t say that it isn’t exhausting and frustrating. I can’t say that I don’t get foot-stomping mad about it some days. That some days, I just don’t feel special but I feel fragile, delicate and weak.  I feel incapable. I feel agitated and restless. I feel…stupid. It’s like watching your friends playing outside, and you just want to run and join them but surprise! You can’t. So, you sit inside and hurt, cry, and wish you could be like all the rest of the kids.

Now I know I’m not stupid, but sometimes I just feel it. Like – get a grip Sarah. Stop feeling emotions. Stop feeling so much all the time. The truth is, I just can’t stop it. If I could, I really would. I would give just about anything to be like everyone else some days. I really would. But…this is how I’m made and lately it just ain’t easy.