Monthly Archives: December 2013

Daily Battle

I work hard at myself. Really hard.

Every day I work to fight the demons that say you are not good enough. You’re not working hard enough. You are fat. You are worthless.

Every. Single. Day. I fight to make myself believe I am strong, capable, worthy of love and friendship. I fight to believe that people like me, that I am a good person full of love and compassion and that I have purpose.

Every. Day.

Some days are easier than others of course. Some days come and go and I barely notice the work. Other days, it feels like I am trying to walk uphill, on crumbling steps that disintegrate beneath my struggling feet.

At 33, I have gotten better. It’s gotten easier. I know where the darkness lurks most often and I am more or less prepared.

I have been so excited to come home. To spend Christmas with MY family. To be cozy and warm. To be loved.

I realize, sadly, that while I do feel those things, they are a tiny, little fraction of my thoughts and feelings.

Instead, my thoughts are like this.

I need to eat, but if I go to the fridge, Mom will comment and I will feel guilty and gross inside. 

Does this shirt show my belly fat, that I have gained through stress and depression? I don’t want Mom to see it and comment on how tight it might be.

Have I cleaned up enough? I don’t want Mom to see that I have been around, lest she get mad and say I left things around.

I really want to eat dessert, but…am afraid of what Mom will say.

I am so grateful that she bought food for us to eat…but I worry she will throw it in my face later if I am not good enough.

I would like to share some of my own traditions…but…she gets mad when I try to suggest a change.

Is that Mom coming up the stairs? Please…say she doesn’t want me for something.

Please, can I just have 20 minutes to myself, quietly.

So, the demons roar back with my tears. With my intense fears. With the realization that I trult sometimes feel traumatized. The demons and darkness come back, now that their Master is around, their ally.

The daily battles get bigger and have higher stakes.

At least for now. I am working hard. Harder than ever.

No wonder I struggle.

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Back on my Game

Man, this whole going back to work while keeping the rest of life going thing is no joke.

I realize I have no children and only 500 square feet to care for but please understand what I did not before now.  It has been over THREE YEARS since I have had to leave the house to work. I have been able to try and care for myself while keeping house, laundry, errands and 100% of the cooking from scratch.

I had also forgotten how much energy working with the public and the pained takes out of you. I actually really love the work. I love helping people get well, helping them stay on track amd working with positive,  health-minded people.

It’s just tough sometimes. Being a highly sensitive person doesn’t help either.  It takes a lot of energy to learn all the new systems and procedures all while helping patients. I feel things from patients and staff that might be completely unrelated but…painful or negative all the same. I am hard on myself when I make a mistake, despite the fact I have only had 2.5 days of actual training.

I am struggling to remain focused sometimes, I’ll admit. I forget to eat. I feel scattered. I think that might be normal when there are two people waiting in front of you, you’re on the phone, the second line is blinking, other staff are buzzing around, you’re still learning to manage the six schedules and a beeper is going off to tell you need to take a patient from their room. Just maybe a scattered brain could be understood.

I come home at 8:30pm on work days and I am USELESS. I swear. I want to get up and cook because it makes me happy but my brain is mush, my body is tired and my feet ache. Oh, I am also usually STARVING.

So, all of you super Moms out there…I SALUTE YOU. Holy cow. You really are amazing and super. You give, give, give…and so rarely get. You deserve so much love, support and respect.

Thank you all for the continued support. I’m sorry to not be around a lot right now…but I hope you understand. I miss you all. I worry that someone needs supporting and I am not there,  most of all.

I’ll get in my groove. I am only part time and it isn’t enough sadly, but I am SO grateful for this job. I love the office and the staff. I love the patients I get to help. It will get better. I’ll get stronger and will figure out my way.

Do you have any tips for meal prepping ahead? Any tips on saving your energy? Any great packed lunches or quick breakfasts you love? 

Christmas Conversations

An actual conversation I just had.

S: We could make cranberry and popcorn garlands!

A: And string them on the wall?

S: … No! On the TREE, dummy!

A: How do you make a cranberry garland?

S: blinking, looking incredulously – You string them with a needle and thread.

A: Where do you even FIND cranberries!?

S: … Uhhh, the grocery store?

A: They have fresh cranberries?

S: Yes.

Where on earth is he even from?