It is 10:55pm and I am JUST now realizing I haven’t posted y’all! You see, I was so awesome that yesterday’s poat was scheduled ahead so I got lazy and out of the daily habit. Tsk tsk. It is only the twelfth, I’d better get my shit together eh?
I have a pretty good post coming up at some point, but the feelings, thoughts and emotions are still settling inside me. I will say that spending days in a small room with 12 other women, all talking about how strong, capable and amazing birthing women are – is life changing.
I’m not sure, like I said, where I am headed just yet. I know that the experience has changed something inside me for the better. It has shown me a path. A better way. It has revealed strength inside me and purpose that I couldn’t find before.
That said, I can’t say I am perfect and that the path is perfectly clear. There is work ahead. There is brush to be cleared and trails to be tamped down.
If you have ever thought you wanted to get involved in birth support, or just supporting amazing women, I highly recommend at least checking out Birth Doula Training.
I’m not very focused these days. I’m sure being jobless and watching the purse strings get tighter and tigher isn’t helping. I’m sure being in a new place isn’t helping. I’m sure feeling soley responsible for our survival isn’t really helping either. There’s most likely a lot contributing but regardless of what it is, I’m still more scattered than I’ve ever been.
I have slid, slid, sliiiiiid back in my health and fitness. I am SO frustrated yet clearly not committed to getting back on track. My eating is all good – minus sugar. I am a FIEND for sugar and we are possibly in the worst time of the year when it comes to treats and candy. Ugh. I have zero willpower around sugar. The SECOND dinner is over, I already start craving something sweet. I know I need to break this addiction but damn if it isn’t super tough.
Thank goodness I don’t have a scale right now because I would most likely break into tears. My body doesn’t FEEL good, inside OR out. I can FEEL flab where it wasn’t before and I am so uncomfortable. I was running when I first got here, but then a mystery ankle injury sidelined me as it tended to flare up even after a lot of walking around. The neighbours downstairs complained when I tried to work out in our livingroom. I can’t afford dance classes just yet and I am waiting until I have an income to join a gym so I can zone out on a treadmill. It sounds like so many excuses but I just…don’t know what to do right now. I can’t be the only one, can I?
When I was losing weight steadily, I was kind of work out and food crazy. I really don’t want to be like that again but fear I have to be. The small changes aren’t making the changes I want in my body. THey aren’t really getting me where I need to be. What I need to be able to do, is jump and workout in my apartment. That’s so, so frustrating. My anxiety has me wound about the neighbours so I haven’t dared try in over a month. Running isn’t all that fun for me, I just do it because it’s cheap and ‘easy’. In other words, it doesn’t take any thought for me. I do it because it helps my mind space out and give me the break that being anxious and highly sensitive will never, ever let me have.
I feel so awful about myself every day. I KNOW better. I KNOW what to eat. I KNOW that I have to move. Why is it so damn difficult? I feel like people look at me and frown, knowing how great I was looking before oh…the world felt like it was caving in on me. If I’m honest, I barely made it through the summer so I know I should cut myself some slack. I probably wasn’t that honest this summer with anyone, you, myself, my family. No one really knew how close I was to just…collapsing.
And then I moved across the country. Into another country. Where I’d be the sole earner. In an expensive, loud, busy new city. I guess there’s a bit of reason to be stressed, to have let myself fall by the wayside.
I’m just so frustrated guys. How the hell do I get out of this hole? How do I stop feeling sorry for myself, fearful, anxious and just..DO something? I mean, I know it’ll get better and I’ll find a groove but for now, this sucks.
Well, kind of. It’s more a scattered, unsettled feeling. Thoughts are spinning and flying by without me being able to catch them to examine them. It’s like their way of staying put. If I can capture them, then they might go away. Annoying, but it’s how my brain is so often. Just a mash of random things, mixed in like a full emulsion, the unimportant hiding the ‘omg important!’ ones, making me jittery, unable to relax and just moody.
SO! Here are some thoughts that have popped into my head today. (Edited to add: This is a LONG post folks. I didn’t mean for it to be, but it is. You’ve been warned)
Apples are not an easy-eat food for me. When people talk about eating something ‘like an apple’, for me, that would be cutting out the core, and slicing into 1/4 inch slices give or take. I can’t remember the last time I just bit into one and went to town. I do the same with peaches and pears as well. Freestone things are easy though because the pit just twists outta there and makes for easy slicing.
I have some family sads. None of my family ever visited me in Vancouver, despite me being there for almost eight years on the nose. I had one friend from high school visit, and a few Canadian friends visit. But that’s it. I was guilted regularly for being so far away, for not calling; but no one ever came. Usually citing finances as an obstacle. I watched as they traveled to see family across the US a few times, but never me. It’s kind of one of those things that doesn’t bother me until someone triggers that…then boom. Sad.
None went to my wedding either. It was a rather quick affair in a park with about 20 people. I see the beautiful wedding photos that people have with all their friends and family dancing and having a blast. While I realize it just…wouldn’t be like that with my family and that we had a LOVELY time at the restaurant we chose with a close group of friends, it is sometimes hard to look back on that day without a few regrets. And that is sad.
I might be getting tired of snark. The ‘cool kids’ are always sarcastic, witty and quick with a comeback. I’m starting to feel like, the offhanded sarcasm is meant well but it always ends up hurting someone. You may not know about it, they might not always speak up out of fear or what have you, but it always bothers someone. Someone ends up taking it personally and it always applies to someone. I’ve been on what feels like the receiving end of this* lately and it isn’t good. I have begun to find myself censoring what I say on Facebook and now Twitter, afraid to speak, simply because I just don’t want to deal with the responses. They are rarely helpful and almost always I take them personally. There are some people on social media that intimidate me because of that and I just don’t know how to interact with them. I keep trying though.
I’m going to try very hard, to be kinder and be wary of who I may offend or hurt with what I say. Even if unintentionally. I want to think of those that aren’t always thought of, before I speak. Much like during the elections (when Ginger wrote an AMAZING post – truly, go read it), sometimes you never know who might associate with that party, or philosophy you’re spouting off against. I’m sorry to those I’ve isolated or made to feel badly in the past.
I am scared to go back to work. I haven’t worked in over two years. Prior to that, I had a job that was not in my ‘field’. I will most likely, never have a job in the field I graduated in. I don’t really want it if I’m honest. With all of this, it means I haven’t interviewed or job searched for oh…8 years. It’s intimidating and I feel so anxious about it. I’m anxious about what hours I’ll get, what time I’ll work, what the work will be like. My last job, while I loved it, also came with a whole host of energetic bull crap. Dealing with people in pain, day in and day out as well as busy doctors and practitioners? It’s a load on the ol’ system for some. I loved what I did, but it absolutely took a toll on me personally. So, I worry. Which takes a toll too. Oh boy. I swear, I am a fun person.
That said, I have a lower key hiring event to go to this weekend. Kind of a meet-and-greet style gathering which I feel pretty darn good about. In person, in a low stress environment, I think I make a great impression. I believe in the products I would be demonstrating and selling, I am upbeat. I smile. I enjoy talking to people and sharing things that I love with them (as many of you can tell on Twitter. Hah). I feel like this job would be a fairly low stress job, with good perks, a good company philosophy and…I think I’d just enjoy it. It’s a stop gap while I train to become what I really want to be – a midwife. So. Fingers crossed for me friends.
I am a vegetable spaz. Seriously. When I shop I just want to buy ALL THE VEGGIES. This comes from wanting the nutrition, but also just LOVING almost every vegetable out there and wanting it covered in butter or cheese in my face. I already have a freezer, fridge and counter full of vegetables that I cannot possibly use up and yet I still am dreaming of even more. Use what you’ve got, sistah!
I want to be vegan, completely, but dang it is hard work. I know that I CAN do it. I really do. I just am not sure I am in the spot to do it right now. With all the changes I’ve got going on here and still not really having a grocery ‘routine’, I think maybe now isn’t the time. I need to be able to get on a schedule, have a few prep routines on the weekend or whenever and really nail it down. Add to this wanting to be more fit, exercise more etc.
I do believe it is the best for my health, for the world we live in and for the health and welfare of farm animals though. So, I will do it. I think slowly reducing the dairy and eggs I eat will be a good start. Bit by bit. I’m not one of those cold turkey kind of people I don’t think and that’s okay.
Overly positive people drive me crazy. I feel like – that can’t be ALL that is there. I’m all for gratitude and deciding to be happy and the like, but if you never show a crack? That’s not real. Is it? Am I just a negative Nancy here? You know the people. The ones that post inspirational messages every day on Facebook, never ever mention their struggles or bad days. The ones that say, “I am home sick today and feel pretty awful, but at least I get some lovely couch time with my loves!” I can so appreciate their ability to find light in the darkness, and wish I could see the light a bit more sometimes but often wish they’d show a crack sometimes. This isn’t me wishing someone to fail, but wishing someone to let go. To be honest. Truthful. To be vulnerable.
Perhaps that’s more a reflection of myself that it is them. Maybe? I don’t know. I just enjoy people that are real. So many of you folks that I interact with on a near daily basis feel…so real. You have shitty days/weeks/months that suck. Ones that call for your friends to love you a bit extra, hug you and vocalize their support. Then you are still not afraid, in the midst of it, to shout to the rooftops when you’ve had something wonderful happen. Neither cancel out the other and it’s just…okay. It’s how it is. It’s life. Does any of this make sense?
So, thanks folks, for being real. For not being afraid to show the good and the bad. The inspirational and the depressing. The sad and the happy. I want to see it all. I really do. I get frustrated with superficial friendships that feel like someone is hiding something from you. I really do appreciate it, when you share both. I always, truly want to know.
OH! And if I ask you “Hey, how are you?” I…actually want to know. So please. Tell me truthfully!
I love my bed. It’s a cheap platform bed with a cheap memory foam mattress, but I just want to lie on it all the time. Alone. I don’t want to share. I’ve never ever loved a bed like this before, or a bedroom. This one? I want to be in there and be still and quiet, reading or writing. I have curtains that make it a bit darker without blacking out the light completely and it feels so cozy. We’ve done a really good job so far, with a very minimal budget, to make this little apartment a sweet home for a bit. I think it’s so necessary and am glad that’s where the money has gone.
Kindness Matters. Oh holy hell friends. It SO matters. I constantly feel like I want to hug each and every one of you that is having ‘a day’. It isn’t a superficial feeling, it really truly is a feeling of wishing I could squeeze you and make it just a tiny bit better. Just so you know.
Last week I was having one hell of a day. I didn’t say too much about it, but commented to a few friends with kindness and whoa. It came back to me 100 fold. Shalini made me feel like I had made a little difference in someone’s life, and further solidified my desire to buy her a kale salad if she makes it to NYC in the near future. (Maybe a book tour? huh huh? Hint hint?) Kammah. Man. She just made me feel like SOMEONE understood me. Someone saw me for how I feel inside. For the kindness and love I feel inside for just about everyone. Every living thing. For someone who lives their life feeling constantly misunderstood and like they have to explain themselves to everyone – this was huge. It truly made my day that without prompting, she just…got me. Then a gentleman moved on the train, so I could sit down with my grocery bags, next to Andrew. After a bit of a morning freakout, Christina made me stop and pause, and to really spend a couple moments being more gentle with myself. She is always such a good support and a good reminder to take it EASIER.
Seriously. Honestly friends. Kindness matters. If you feel something positive – share it. If you like someone’s hair that day. Say so. If you think someone’s child is lovely – say so. If you are silently amazed by a parent or a person – TELL THEM. Just, speak up. Even if it seems small. It might just make a difference. It has for me.
*I am an anxious person and sensitive by nature, so I take full responsibility for the fact that I take things personally and often feel more hurt than perhaps I ‘should’.
What’s on your mind these days? I really actually want to know. Spill it!