I was completely geared up to do a lovely run down of 2013 a la All & Sundry after enjoying posts by Jess and Jennie. But you know something? 2013 feels a bit more fluid than that for me so I’m just going to ramble and see what comes out.
2013 was pretty sucky in so many ways but also I started to really find myself this year, so it ended pretty well.
This year, my heart hurt, my body hurt, my mind hurt. I feel like I suffered an awful lot, telling myself ‘at least you have a roof over your head, Sarah’. Not that that sort of self talk is helpful, but, I am nothing if not constantly working at being nicer to myself while reminding everyone else to do as I say, not as I do.
I was heavily depressed in 2013. I struggled and some days just getting out of bed was something to celebrate – that is – if I had the energy to celebrate. I drowned in a sea of fear and anger and instead of taking charge of my life, I let it wash me away. I lost one of the best people I’ve ever known because I did not take my own life into my hands and let fear overrun me. I was too afraid to take steps I needed to.
In my most self-compassionate moments I can look at 2013 and see exactly why I felt so heavy and burdened. I felt heart ache and heart break. I lost close friends. I lived far from my family. I struggled financially. I almost left my marriage. I worked out too much. I didn’t work out enough. I forced myself to restrict my diet. Then I let it all go and ate like crap. I left an apartment I’d lived in for almost 7 years. I left behind everything that wouldn’t fit in a Toyota echo and moved across the country. I got riled up by injustices and hateful words so easily spoken. I moved to NYC…without first having a place to live. My Nana’s sister was diagnosed with dementia, moved out of her lifelong home and my Nana went to see her for the last time. I was jobless and rejected. Repeatedly. I lost weight. I gained weight. I laid awake nights worrying about a dwindling bank account. I had a sick pet. I felt lonely. My Aunt was diagnosed with late stage ovarian cancer and was not expected to live through the year. My Dad was diagnosed with a rare form of lymphoma and did not heave health insurance.
I mean…I may have a reason or three to feel like I did. Maybe.
I guess it really is the truth when they say you have to know the lows to appreciate the highs. When I was at my worst, I reached out. Those of you that have suffered heavy depression and anxiety know just how hard it is to reach out in those moments. The fears of those judging you or thinking how annoying and ’emo’ you are can be so soul crushing. You know? I really think that opening myself up and reaching out to friends both near and far – new and…well new, was one of the best things that I did in 2013. I harbored a lot of hurt and resentment in 2013. I laid a lot of heavy blame on myself and took a lot of damage points but…I reached out. I asked for help. I asked for understanding and love.
Boy, did you guys respond. Holy hannah. So many of you just came out of the woodwork to support me, pouring praise and love in tidal waves and I cannot thank you enough for that. For all the energy you send me, for the time you spent thinking of me and being hopeful for me. For all the love you had to give and gave to me. I feel so indebted so often to many of you and I don’t say thank you often enough. I have a running tally of people in my head that need to be thanked, told how much I appreciate them and that they are wonderful people. Thank you. All of you.
The last bit of 2013…got better.
My Dad’s cancer responded to treatment. I got to spend Christmas with my family. I took a leap of faith and completed Birth Doula Training which changed me inside. I blogged more. I told friends I loved them. I got a job that I love. Friends visited. I decorated a new apartment. I found peace in running through the park. I got a real Christmas tree. I joined the Sisterhood of Avalon. I read…a lot…of crap that felt great. I began to love New York City. My Aunt’s cancer has responded to treatment. I participated in several CDP exchanges that made me happy. I discovered there was a reason that I was so emotional – I’m a Highly Sensitive Person. I read and found others like myself. I opened up and was vulnerable. I loved as much as I possibly could. I discovered New York pizza. I got an Edible Arrangement! I started finding some self confidence.
So, 2013. It’s gone. Literally and figuratively. I’d like to be different this year.
I plan on setting a few intentions quietly here at home, maybe making one of those cliched intention boards. For now, here are a few things that I want for 2014.
-I want to be more compassionate and kind. I always try to be more of these things but I’d like to make a bigger effort. I want to stop judging and being crabby about people. I just want to love them for who they are even without knowing their story. We are all coming from somewhere.
-I want to take better care of my body -emotionally, physically and mentally. I would like to exercise more and eat better. I know how – it just takes discipline and willpower. I’m coming out of the fog, I can do this.
-I want to attend a Sisterhood of Avalon Intensive, bonding with my sisters and the Goddess.
-I want to kick sugar. It’s awful and has a hold on me like whoa. No good people. I would like to be able to eat a cookie, not the box.
-I would like to attend at least 4 births this year – completing my DONA certification.
-I’d like to take some coursework/certification in aromatherapy.
-I want to run some type of race this year. I’d LOVE to do a sprint triathlon in June. We shall see.
-I want to take a yoga class, an aerobics class and a dance class regularly.
-I want to be better at planning meals and snacks, to make sure I am fueled all day and can avoid sugar and caffeine to boost me.
-I want to learn more handicrafts. Knitting. Crocheting. Quilting. For peace of mind and spirit.
-I would like to volunteer in NYC – perhaps as a birth doula or elsewhere.
-I would like to budget better and save money to afford to help others and surprise friends with little things more often.
-I’d like to journal more often and keep on top of my thoughts and my heart, working on doing things to keep my self-confidence growing.
I think this year is set up to be far better than last and boy, am I ready.
Bring it 2014.