I had recipes to share today. I also had a spiritually lifting afternoon today in the park by myself that I wanted to write about but here we are at 11:30pm and I haven’t written.
I am tired today. I fought depression today and won, but that makes me tired. In body…not mind. Oh no. Not mind.
I stead my mind is just CHURNING with anxiety and worry. I have some pretty serious dental issues I need to get fixed fairly immediately but am TERRIFIED. Terrifief and embarrassed. I have a BIG interview tomorrow (at 2pm EST if you have some love to spare) and I have family and/or friends here from the 23rd through December 2nd. I am feeling kind of lonely and sad tonight. I might have some stuff on my plate.
ANYWAY! I walked around 5th Avenue last week and the Christmas decorations were going up! I have odd feelings about the holidays. I don’t get as excited as others do at this time of year. I get more anxious than anything. But this? This made me smile and feel somewhat excited to see Christmas in New York.
Reading: I am such a schitzophrenic reader. I have so many abandoned books, not because I didn’t like them, but because I wanted to read something else RIGHT THEN. I am at the moment, drowning myself in smutty romances in attempt to hide from stress. Drowning myself I tell you. I can’t tear through them fast enough. I have gone through this and this in the last twenty four hours. I know, I know. Quality reading.
I am also reading The Birth Partner as a requirement for my doula training which begins TOMORROW. Gasp! I love the topic but I won’t lie, it’s pretty dry. I have the Emperor’s Edge on hold, half read. I also have Elaine Aron’s The Highly Sensitive Person continually banging around, reading parts of it as I have time and energy. It’s some heavy reading and ‘doing’ for me. Lots of internal work but honestly, if you are Highly Sensitive, think you might be or have an HSP family member, it’s a great place to begin. (You can also see my growing list of resources here.)
Oh hey! I also am reading a TON of blogs lately! Thanks NaBloPoMo! I love having a full feed of blogs to read so keep up the great work people!
Doing: I have spent some time each day searing and applying for jobs, but honestly? I am not doing much these days. I am lethargic from all that is going on, (as you may have read earlier this week) and I’m just not doing a whole lot. I feel guilty about this of course but some wise friends I think would categorize this as self care. I’d like to get out a bit more, but for now, I’m just making sure I am up, dressed (sort of), showered and fed. It’s a tall order these days.
Cooking: I’ve had a few days of I-have-no-energy-even-to-do-what-I-love, which suuuuuucks. It sucks to feel like you can’t even enjoy what normally makes you feel good, let alone feed yourself. Now I’ve gotten into the I-need-to-hide-from-the-pain-and-stress period of this crap, which means lots of cooking and baking. Yesterday I had a pot of beans going all day, but other than that I laid in bed for over 12 hours, reading and napping. A few days before that I made this Caramelized Onion Greek Yogurt Dip, which is DELICIOUS. I’ve got Smitten Kitchen‘s Lazy Pizza Dough rising on my counter for a Mexican style pizza with queso fresco and I may try to do some baking. Perhaps banana bread or chocolate chip cookies. We shall see, it’s getting late, or at least I feel the pressure of evening bearing down on me. (Side note: You should make the pizza and the dip. Really. )
Thinking: I don’t even know. My head hurts. My brain is scattered and thoughts are all over the place. I want to get up and go out but don’t have the energy. Right now I just am thinking about my training this weekend and trying not to be too stressed about it. It will be 9am-6pm for three days. I’m excited but a little scared at the same time if I’m honest.
Watching: Oh man, I am a TV watcher right now. I’ve exhausted my Vampire Diaries, The Originals, American Horror Story today. Last night it was Covert Affairs, White Collar, Elementary and The Voice. This moment it’s Big Bang Theory and maybe some Archer for a little levity. As always, The Cosby Show is a daily occurance. DAILY.
Other shows that I am following this fall: Dracula, Reign, RHOBH, Vanderpump Rules, Top Chef, Cutthroat Kitchen
Working on: I am working on keeping myself upright. I am working on reaching out and being unapologetic for who I am and where I am. I am working on being more kind, less sarcastic, less crabby. I’m working on writing more poetry. I’m working on putting myself out there more. I am working on feeding myself, exercising and laughing. I am working on healing some pretty deep wounds lately and I am really, truly working on understanding why they are there. I’m working on making sure that I have a happy, healthy space.
More tangibly (or maybe not), I am working on some spiritual things. I am really giving a lot of thought into my application for the Sisterhood of Avalon. I think I am ready and am looking forward to the journey. I think it flows so well with my doula and midwifery training. I am a bit fluttery inside about it.
Loving: Pacifica’s hand lotions and body washes. I found a bunch of travel sized ones at Marshalls and have been going through them like crazy. I love the Hawaiian Ruby Guava, Blood Orange and the French Lilac. I may have to hunt down some of the spicier ones to sniff. I love scents. I’m also loving my new Sock Monkey slippers from Target. I love them. They make me happy and are cozy on the hardwood floors. Sometimes little things make me feel good.
Feeling grateful for: The friends who have come out of the woodwork to support me. So many people that I’ve never met, but would welcome into my home any day of the week at any time. So many lovely people that have texted, emailed, commented, tweeted and private messaged just to check in on me. I cannot begin to tell you how much the outpouring of support has meant to me. It’s always such a risk putting yourself out there you know? It feels like one to me and I just…I am overwhelmed by the support. I can’t always find the right words to respond with, but I am listening and I feel you. Goodness do I.
So thank you if you’ve spoken to me, or prayed quietly for me. I feel the love and I hear you. I’m trying to hear you better so keep talking, keep speaking. Thank you for being kind people. There really are lovely people in this world. I know this for a fact.
Well, kind of. It’s more a scattered, unsettled feeling. Thoughts are spinning and flying by without me being able to catch them to examine them. It’s like their way of staying put. If I can capture them, then they might go away. Annoying, but it’s how my brain is so often. Just a mash of random things, mixed in like a full emulsion, the unimportant hiding the ‘omg important!’ ones, making me jittery, unable to relax and just moody.
SO! Here are some thoughts that have popped into my head today. (Edited to add: This is a LONG post folks. I didn’t mean for it to be, but it is. You’ve been warned)
Apples are not an easy-eat food for me. When people talk about eating something ‘like an apple’, for me, that would be cutting out the core, and slicing into 1/4 inch slices give or take. I can’t remember the last time I just bit into one and went to town. I do the same with peaches and pears as well. Freestone things are easy though because the pit just twists outta there and makes for easy slicing.
I have some family sads. None of my family ever visited me in Vancouver, despite me being there for almost eight years on the nose. I had one friend from high school visit, and a few Canadian friends visit. But that’s it. I was guilted regularly for being so far away, for not calling; but no one ever came. Usually citing finances as an obstacle. I watched as they traveled to see family across the US a few times, but never me. It’s kind of one of those things that doesn’t bother me until someone triggers that…then boom. Sad.
None went to my wedding either. It was a rather quick affair in a park with about 20 people. I see the beautiful wedding photos that people have with all their friends and family dancing and having a blast. While I realize it just…wouldn’t be like that with my family and that we had a LOVELY time at the restaurant we chose with a close group of friends, it is sometimes hard to look back on that day without a few regrets. And that is sad.
I might be getting tired of snark. The ‘cool kids’ are always sarcastic, witty and quick with a comeback. I’m starting to feel like, the offhanded sarcasm is meant well but it always ends up hurting someone. You may not know about it, they might not always speak up out of fear or what have you, but it always bothers someone. Someone ends up taking it personally and it always applies to someone. I’ve been on what feels like the receiving end of this* lately and it isn’t good. I have begun to find myself censoring what I say on Facebook and now Twitter, afraid to speak, simply because I just don’t want to deal with the responses. They are rarely helpful and almost always I take them personally. There are some people on social media that intimidate me because of that and I just don’t know how to interact with them. I keep trying though.
I’m going to try very hard, to be kinder and be wary of who I may offend or hurt with what I say. Even if unintentionally. I want to think of those that aren’t always thought of, before I speak. Much like during the elections (when Ginger wrote an AMAZING post – truly, go read it), sometimes you never know who might associate with that party, or philosophy you’re spouting off against. I’m sorry to those I’ve isolated or made to feel badly in the past.
I am scared to go back to work. I haven’t worked in over two years. Prior to that, I had a job that was not in my ‘field’. I will most likely, never have a job in the field I graduated in. I don’t really want it if I’m honest. With all of this, it means I haven’t interviewed or job searched for oh…8 years. It’s intimidating and I feel so anxious about it. I’m anxious about what hours I’ll get, what time I’ll work, what the work will be like. My last job, while I loved it, also came with a whole host of energetic bull crap. Dealing with people in pain, day in and day out as well as busy doctors and practitioners? It’s a load on the ol’ system for some. I loved what I did, but it absolutely took a toll on me personally. So, I worry. Which takes a toll too. Oh boy. I swear, I am a fun person.
That said, I have a lower key hiring event to go to this weekend. Kind of a meet-and-greet style gathering which I feel pretty darn good about. In person, in a low stress environment, I think I make a great impression. I believe in the products I would be demonstrating and selling, I am upbeat. I smile. I enjoy talking to people and sharing things that I love with them (as many of you can tell on Twitter. Hah). I feel like this job would be a fairly low stress job, with good perks, a good company philosophy and…I think I’d just enjoy it. It’s a stop gap while I train to become what I really want to be – a midwife. So. Fingers crossed for me friends.
I am a vegetable spaz. Seriously. When I shop I just want to buy ALL THE VEGGIES. This comes from wanting the nutrition, but also just LOVING almost every vegetable out there and wanting it covered in butter or cheese in my face. I already have a freezer, fridge and counter full of vegetables that I cannot possibly use up and yet I still am dreaming of even more. Use what you’ve got, sistah!
I want to be vegan, completely, but dang it is hard work. I know that I CAN do it. I really do. I just am not sure I am in the spot to do it right now. With all the changes I’ve got going on here and still not really having a grocery ‘routine’, I think maybe now isn’t the time. I need to be able to get on a schedule, have a few prep routines on the weekend or whenever and really nail it down. Add to this wanting to be more fit, exercise more etc.
I do believe it is the best for my health, for the world we live in and for the health and welfare of farm animals though. So, I will do it. I think slowly reducing the dairy and eggs I eat will be a good start. Bit by bit. I’m not one of those cold turkey kind of people I don’t think and that’s okay.
Overly positive people drive me crazy. I feel like – that can’t be ALL that is there. I’m all for gratitude and deciding to be happy and the like, but if you never show a crack? That’s not real. Is it? Am I just a negative Nancy here? You know the people. The ones that post inspirational messages every day on Facebook, never ever mention their struggles or bad days. The ones that say, “I am home sick today and feel pretty awful, but at least I get some lovely couch time with my loves!” I can so appreciate their ability to find light in the darkness, and wish I could see the light a bit more sometimes but often wish they’d show a crack sometimes. This isn’t me wishing someone to fail, but wishing someone to let go. To be honest. Truthful. To be vulnerable.
Perhaps that’s more a reflection of myself that it is them. Maybe? I don’t know. I just enjoy people that are real. So many of you folks that I interact with on a near daily basis feel…so real. You have shitty days/weeks/months that suck. Ones that call for your friends to love you a bit extra, hug you and vocalize their support. Then you are still not afraid, in the midst of it, to shout to the rooftops when you’ve had something wonderful happen. Neither cancel out the other and it’s just…okay. It’s how it is. It’s life. Does any of this make sense?
So, thanks folks, for being real. For not being afraid to show the good and the bad. The inspirational and the depressing. The sad and the happy. I want to see it all. I really do. I get frustrated with superficial friendships that feel like someone is hiding something from you. I really do appreciate it, when you share both. I always, truly want to know.
OH! And if I ask you “Hey, how are you?” I…actually want to know. So please. Tell me truthfully!
I love my bed. It’s a cheap platform bed with a cheap memory foam mattress, but I just want to lie on it all the time. Alone. I don’t want to share. I’ve never ever loved a bed like this before, or a bedroom. This one? I want to be in there and be still and quiet, reading or writing. I have curtains that make it a bit darker without blacking out the light completely and it feels so cozy. We’ve done a really good job so far, with a very minimal budget, to make this little apartment a sweet home for a bit. I think it’s so necessary and am glad that’s where the money has gone.
Kindness Matters. Oh holy hell friends. It SO matters. I constantly feel like I want to hug each and every one of you that is having ‘a day’. It isn’t a superficial feeling, it really truly is a feeling of wishing I could squeeze you and make it just a tiny bit better. Just so you know.
Last week I was having one hell of a day. I didn’t say too much about it, but commented to a few friends with kindness and whoa. It came back to me 100 fold. Shalini made me feel like I had made a little difference in someone’s life, and further solidified my desire to buy her a kale salad if she makes it to NYC in the near future. (Maybe a book tour? huh huh? Hint hint?) Kammah. Man. She just made me feel like SOMEONE understood me. Someone saw me for how I feel inside. For the kindness and love I feel inside for just about everyone. Every living thing. For someone who lives their life feeling constantly misunderstood and like they have to explain themselves to everyone – this was huge. It truly made my day that without prompting, she just…got me. Then a gentleman moved on the train, so I could sit down with my grocery bags, next to Andrew. After a bit of a morning freakout, Christina made me stop and pause, and to really spend a couple moments being more gentle with myself. She is always such a good support and a good reminder to take it EASIER.
Seriously. Honestly friends. Kindness matters. If you feel something positive – share it. If you like someone’s hair that day. Say so. If you think someone’s child is lovely – say so. If you are silently amazed by a parent or a person – TELL THEM. Just, speak up. Even if it seems small. It might just make a difference. It has for me.
*I am an anxious person and sensitive by nature, so I take full responsibility for the fact that I take things personally and often feel more hurt than perhaps I ‘should’.
What’s on your mind these days? I really actually want to know. Spill it!