Category Archives: Highly Sensitive

Back on my Game

Man, this whole going back to work while keeping the rest of life going thing is no joke.

I realize I have no children and only 500 square feet to care for but please understand what I did not before now.  It has been over THREE YEARS since I have had to leave the house to work. I have been able to try and care for myself while keeping house, laundry, errands and 100% of the cooking from scratch.

I had also forgotten how much energy working with the public and the pained takes out of you. I actually really love the work. I love helping people get well, helping them stay on track amd working with positive,  health-minded people.

It’s just tough sometimes. Being a highly sensitive person doesn’t help either.  It takes a lot of energy to learn all the new systems and procedures all while helping patients. I feel things from patients and staff that might be completely unrelated but…painful or negative all the same. I am hard on myself when I make a mistake, despite the fact I have only had 2.5 days of actual training.

I am struggling to remain focused sometimes, I’ll admit. I forget to eat. I feel scattered. I think that might be normal when there are two people waiting in front of you, you’re on the phone, the second line is blinking, other staff are buzzing around, you’re still learning to manage the six schedules and a beeper is going off to tell you need to take a patient from their room. Just maybe a scattered brain could be understood.

I come home at 8:30pm on work days and I am USELESS. I swear. I want to get up and cook because it makes me happy but my brain is mush, my body is tired and my feet ache. Oh, I am also usually STARVING.

So, all of you super Moms out there…I SALUTE YOU. Holy cow. You really are amazing and super. You give, give, give…and so rarely get. You deserve so much love, support and respect.

Thank you all for the continued support. I’m sorry to not be around a lot right now…but I hope you understand. I miss you all. I worry that someone needs supporting and I am not there,  most of all.

I’ll get in my groove. I am only part time and it isn’t enough sadly, but I am SO grateful for this job. I love the office and the staff. I love the patients I get to help. It will get better. I’ll get stronger and will figure out my way.

Do you have any tips for meal prepping ahead? Any tips on saving your energy? Any great packed lunches or quick breakfasts you love? 

Finally!

I have very little to say tonight except that…I HAVE A JOB!

It is temp to perm, but is for an employer I believe in and whose philosophies on the body and health really match mine. I felt so great at the interview and felt like I could really belong with the rest of the staff. I will be able to help people in their journey to health and be a part of that, which I love.

So! I am excited but also TERRIBLY nervous about fitting in and learning new stuff and aaahhhh. Crazy but…so, so glad.

This job will also let me gradually get back into working. A couple shifts, then 25 hours, then full time which I know will be SO helpful for me as change…well. Change is not my best friend. So it’ll be a gentle transition amd while I could use full time hours NOW, I better understand how I work best and really, this will be so good for me. If I honor my sensitivity and listen to myself, I know that this slower transition will help me to be more successful.

Thanks for all your love and support, friends. Truly. I don’t honestly know where I would be without knowing you were there. I know I still will struggle but damn, if this doesn’t help for today. Today, I am grateful and can breathe.

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CHEERS!

Thankful

Since I have been so whiney lately, I thought it was important to find some gratitude.

I am grateful that my Nana is getting to spend time with her sister this week. It makes me sad to think it may be their last time together, that my Aunt can remember. She seems to be up and down with her dementia and I just hope the visit goes well. I’m also grateful that my Aunt Cat could make the trip possible for Nana.

I am grateful for romance novels, both the sweet and the smutty. There is nothing like disappearing from the world for a few hours into a romance. Not everyone likes them, but they are the only way for me to just stop thinking completely.

I am SO grateful that I took the leap and went to Birth Doula Training. It was an AMAZING experience tonsit around with 12 women all day. Socializing,  communicating, sharing. It made me a bit of an emotional wreck (shocker) but it was just such a wonderful experience. It helped me to realize hoe important having a community of support is.

I am also grateful that I chose the trainer I did. I had such a good feeling about her before I signed up and that paid off in spades. She was warm, caring, strong and confident, yet so intuitive. I loved her.  I want to be best friends and bake her cakes. I am hoping to connect with her and gain experience and knowledge. I really, really loved her. If you are in (or near) NYC and need a Doula or want to attend training, give me a shout. I have the perfect woman for you!

I am grateful for slippers and legwarmers. It is chilly here amd I am totally taking advantage of that with colorful legwarmers and sock monkey slippers!

I am grateful for Netflix. Otherwise, how would I watch the spandex-clad amazingness that is Star Trek The Next Generation!? Wil Wheaton? Deanna Troy?  Come on.

I am grateful for friends that understand me. Being HSP is often difficult. It makes an already tough situation feel that much more intense and overwhelming. Sometimes it is so easy to hurt, hide and feel alone.  Those voices that lie, tell your incorrigible ear that you ARE alone. Then, someone messages you. Texts. Emails. Or you find it in you to reach out and are met with a flood of support. I am so very grateful for those of you that have shown your support, cheered me on and rooted for me to keep going. I am also grateful for those that have reached for me when they needed someone most. Thank you for that trust, and for letting me share your burden.

Sometimes it is hard to find anything in this cloudy haze of depression, but I’m glad to find some things. It’s important. I am important.

What are you feeling grateful for?

Friday Feelings

I have had company for four nights and three full days. My company has been lovely, low key, low maintenance and really a good time but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t absolutely LOVING the quiet of my apartment right now. I have been 100% alone for about four hours now, I have not uttered a single word but to the cat.  Blissful I tell you.

I know three days doesn’t seem like much (and I feel horribly guilty that I have so little staying power), but then again, the kids playing outside of the school next door might not be much to you either. A normal day for me involves a little bit of time, retreated into the bedroom with a game or a book. It sometimes has a long subway ride where I sit quietly by myself, or next to my husband, not talking. Reading. Just zoning out to myself.  For introverts and highly sensitive people a like, that quiet recharge time is SO important. It’s taken me a long time to learn this about myself, but I really do need a LITTLE alone time in my life. It helps me. It resets me. It allows me to take a breath and get back up and moving. Without it, I feel frazzled and exhausted. Yesterday morning, I was on the verge of tears because I just felt like I could NOT get up and sight see one more minute. I got up, we got food and it got better but it was touch and go for a little bit.  Add to all of that, that I live in less than 500 square feet and my friend slept on my couch in my livingroom. Add to that, that I am the only person who cooks. Who gets up and says, “Okay let’s go out!”. Who gets anything moving or makes plans.

Friends, I am toast. I really am and I am looking forward to emptying my DVR and barely leaving my apartment this weekend.

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A very close friend of mine has been ill, on and off for years.  He was diagnosed with Celiac Disease a year or two ago and while avoiding gluten made him feel better, there were still things that did not clear up. I just found out today that they are waiting on blood test confirmation, but that he most likely has Lupus.  I feel so bad that I have not been around like I should have been for him.

He can’t talk about this with his wife as she is expecting any day now and has a whole host of her own issues due to her maternal size and so forth. I worry about how prepared they are. I worry about her health (or lack there of) and their baby being healthy. I worry that she now has to deliver in a completely different town because her BMI and size has made it so that no doctors want to deliver locally. That they need to go where there is a better NICU.

All of this I’ve been worried about too. Just, lots of worry for my friend, his wife and their baby waiting to be born.

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My doula training starts two weeks from TODAY. I suddenly got a huge jolt of energy just thinking about it. Thinking about the fact that while a good chunk of my life is in chaos and is not perfect, I am taking ONE step just for me. Not for anyone else but for me. One step that will be the first of many to get where I want. At least one of the places I want to be.

I’m excited. I am hopeful. I just really want to be the support that women deserve. I want to share the love and care that I have in my heart.

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I am going to get back into writing poetry. I wrote when I was younger quite a bit. I droned on and on about lost love when I was a teenager. I loved writing.  I rediscovered it a couple years ago and have since fallen out of practice.  I’m not one of those people that words just come to. It takes work. It takes writing down things every day even if they are just a phrase or two. Even if they never make it into a ‘proper’ poem.

I really loved being able to express myself in that manner and I would like to get back into it.  I think it’s a good part of my self discovery and this journey that I am on. This path.  I have a page where I share my poetry here. As I read over the past, I realize that they are some pretty violent and sometimes graphic images. Maybe even a bit emo, so, be kind please. They are snippets from moments in my life. Some of them.  Others are simple wordplay without a deeper meaning.

I hope you like what I have written of my past and what I will write of my future.

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I think of a lot of people, often. People I’ve never met. People I have grown to love and cherish over time. People I’ve learned about by scouring their blogs, reveling in their honesty and the vulnerability in their words or perhaps their humor or way of being. I think so, so often.

I don’t think I speak up enough so I am going to try to do that. I’m going to send the emails waxing poetically about how amazing this person is when I think it.  I’m not going to worry about how odd it might sound, I’m just going to do it because I know what a difference a kind word can make.

So if you think no one is listening or watching. If you think no one is reading. Just trust me. I lurk a lot. I think a lot and I love a lot.  I’ll try to tell you more often that I saw something your child would love or that I am amazed that you are still standing. I’ll do my best to tell you that I thought of you this morning, and was proud you got out of bed or that I am proud of you for going to the Doctor.  I will work hard to tell you how SORRY I am that you’re going through so much, that you are so strong for taking care of everyone, that I see where you’re hurting even though you keep going and that I love you. I promise you that I will let you know the little things that I seem to censor day in and day out.

If you’re reading this – you’re lovely. I will try to tell you more often. I don’t want to miss my chance to let you know you’re loved and that you matter.

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