I am constantly reminded of what amazingly complex people we are. At least, I am.

I don’t know about you, but I rarely share ALL of me with one person. Some people get Chef Sarah.  Some get Compassionate Sarah.  Others get Weepy Sarah. Depending on the day, what is going on and how I’m feeling, sometimes people get Strong Sarah, Emotional Sarah, Spiritual Sarah, Philosophical Sarah, Science-y Logical Sarah or cold ‘I-am-holding-it-all-in Sarah.  Most get several shades of me, but it is so rare that someone gets the whole rainbow.

I think this is probably true for so many.  I do my best to share as genuinely as possible. It’s not like I am making these sides up or anything. I think it’s natural that different people stimulate and draw out different shades and colors. Different people represent different levels of safety and security – allowing more colors to show themselves.

I try so hard to integrate as many of them into my every day self as I possibly can but it just doesn’t always seem possible.  I am getting better at it the more I can face my fears of being judged or criticized and allow those colors to show more and more. I do think I’m getting better, but I am far from perfect.

I had a brief conversation with an old friend tonight and boy, did he reach things that others just haven’t gotten at. It wasn’t intentional, I didn’t ramble on purpose but it all came out. It just reminded me that people have such different purposes in our lives and I think that’s just okay.  It’s okay that one person doesn’t know EVERYTHING about you, or that you have different people you text depending on what’s going on.  It reminded me not only of my own depths, but to not feel offended if someone doesn’t reach for you – because they will when you are what they need.

It reminds me of my thoughts on polyamory. Before I moved out West, I was in a polyamorous relationship. I lived with a married couple and it was my first introduction into different philosophies on relationships. Honestly? It was wonderful.  It is what made me really think about the fact that putting EVERYTHING on one person, for some, can be a tough cross to bear. It developed the idea for me that it could even be unfair to expect one person to be all you needed in life. I found it so freeing to be able to be one person with my girlfriend and to be able to express a different side with my boyfriend. Sometimes we all had different things to share, sometimes we shared together, sometimes it was separate. I could be whoever I was and didn’t need to expect one person to be able to handle it. Each and every interaction, in the beginning, was a beautiful new expression for me.*

I am not sure where I am going with this post other than to say we all have so much complexity inside. We all have so much we are going through, so many different places we are coming from and so much to share. It doesn’t always have to be one side or another and it doesn’t have to be ALL of you all of the time.

We are pretty amazing people with so many colors and shades. So much complexity. I love learning and knowing each shade I am shown. I just hope I get better at sharing my own.


*I am quite fine with questions about my past experiences, polyamory and so forth. Feel free to comment or to email me at salamanderpal at gmail if you want to chat! I really love sharing my experiences. No room for judgement here!

2 thoughts on “Shades

  1. I have friends who have a polyamorous relationship. They are married, have three kids, and have included another woman and her one or two children into their lives and home. I don’t think it’s for me, but it works for them.

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