Hard

Everyone has hard. There is no harder, only HARD. And shit, this is hard.

I have a job interview tomorrow.  Another group interview which is awful. They make me feel so sick to my stomach. Like sitting in a room full of man eating…somethings. Everyone is salivating and trying to one up the next person for the one, single, job they have. I cannot truly express what an awful feeling these group interviews give me and what a horrible experience they are.

So. I should feel lucky that I have one, and I do. To an extent.  But the problem is, I am angry. I am resentful. I am not here quite by my own choice. Not because I really want to be. There is so much behind all that, that I can’t really get into here and now, but it’s heavy.

I don’t want to be the sole earner. I have spent the last…10 years being everyone else’s support systems. Sacrificing money, family, friends and posessions for those around me. I have felt some worth doing this of course. I like being a caregiver. It is fulfilling.  Provided you are being loved, supported and cared for at the same time. Provided you FEEL that way.

I have struggled to figure out who I am, aside from my relationships. It hasn’t been easy and I am just, so angry. I am angry for losing myself. For those who said they loved me, but didn’t help me. Watched me slide away.

Anyway. It’s all put me in a place where I am feeling stuck and unable to follow my heart.  My desires. My dreams and my purpose.  I want to support birthing mothers. I want to commit to them and be there for them. I want to give my heart and love to them. Wholly.

I just, want to be loved and supported in MY dreams. In MY purpose. I am finally realizing how much I have hurt and washed it all away.  Here it is, upfront and center.

I am upset and just want to hide myself away.

Instead I’ll take drugs to let me sleep, wake up and smile at an interview, feeling like at any moment, I will be eaten alive.

This shit is hard. When does it stop being hard?

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