I am having a very difficult time.
If I’m honest, I am so tired of telling you all that I’m struggling. I’m so tired of crying, sobbing and weeping. I’m tired of feeling like I am attention seeking, by crying and whining. I know that I am just hurting, not seeking attention, but the negative voices in my head tell me to shut up. To delete those tweets. That better people would be grateful for what they DO have. The negative voices are so mean, hurtful and abusive but when you’re at your weakest, they are the loudest ones you can hear.
If I’m honest, I’m just…tired. I want to reach out but I don’t know what to say. When I do find the strength to reach for someone, I am overcome with guilt for bothering someone, putting all of my weight on them, burdening them. Then, I am heavier and try to backpedal out without hurting them. Then I cry alone, so wishing I couod be held, hugged and loved. Screwed up, I know.
If I’m honest, I feel weak for being so sensitive. So touchy. I imagine readers cringing and thinking how annoying I am. I hate this sensitivity sometimes. I know that it isn’t JUST sensitivity, but that coupled with depression and all that I am dealing with makes it worse. I KNOW that I won’t always be so tender. So sensitive to the touch. I know that it is a product of everything at once. Just…it’s hard.
If I am honest, I asked a friend last night, what I did in this life to deserve such pain and suffering. Writing it out makes me feel so overdramatic but it is how I feel. I love people. I care SO deeply about everyone. I do. I worry about people, I try to help, to touch lives that I can. My outstretched concern is genuine. When I say I am thinking of you, I truly, honestly am. My heart is bursting with love and worry and feelings for the world. Truly, the world.
If I’m honest, I dreaded sleep last night, knowing another day would come. Another day that I would have to deal with. I was scared to sleep, because I was scared to wake up and face things all again.
If I’m honest, waking up was hard. I woke up ready to burst into tears, not wanting to have to deal with another day. As I sit here, I am headachey with swollen eyes and I am tired. So, so tired. I just want to hide from the world and pretend I don’t exist today. I don’t want to talk to family. I just want to curl up and wait for the day to pass.
If I’m honest, I am so sorry. I’m sorry to whine and complain. I’m sorry to be so heavy lately. I’m sorry if your eyes roll and you stop reading. I’m sorry I can’t seem to cope better, be better, do better. I’m just not sure where else to put my feelings.
If I’m honest, I’m so grateful for your support, love and concern. I do think so much of you all. I wonder how your children are, how your vacation was, how your illness is passing. I wonder what you had for dinner, how school or work is going and I wonder how you are doing. Just, how you’re feeling.
So, how are you feeling? What’s going on with you?