If I’m Honest

I am having a very difficult time.

If I’m honest,  I am so tired of telling you all that I’m struggling. I’m so tired of crying, sobbing and weeping. I’m tired of feeling like I am attention seeking, by crying and whining. I know that I am just hurting, not seeking attention, but the negative voices in my head tell me to shut up. To delete those tweets. That better people would be grateful for what they DO have. The negative voices are so mean, hurtful and abusive but when you’re at your weakest, they are the loudest ones you can hear.

If I’m honest, I’m just…tired. I want to reach out but I don’t know what to say. When I do find the strength to reach for someone, I am overcome with guilt for bothering someone, putting all of my weight on them, burdening them. Then, I am heavier and try to backpedal out without hurting them. Then I cry alone, so wishing I couod be held, hugged and loved. Screwed up, I know.

If I’m honest, I feel weak for being so sensitive. So touchy. I imagine readers cringing and thinking how annoying I am. I hate this sensitivity sometimes. I know that it isn’t JUST sensitivity, but that coupled with depression and all that I am dealing with makes it worse. I KNOW that I won’t always be so tender. So sensitive to the touch. I know that it is a product of everything at once. Just…it’s hard.

If I am honest, I asked a friend last night, what I did in this life to deserve such pain and suffering. Writing it out makes me feel so overdramatic but it is how I feel. I love people. I care SO deeply about everyone. I do. I worry about people, I try to help, to touch lives that I can. My outstretched concern is genuine. When I say I am thinking of you, I truly, honestly am. My heart is bursting with love and worry and feelings for the world. Truly, the world.

If I’m honest, I dreaded sleep last night, knowing another day would come. Another day that I would have to deal with. I was scared to sleep, because I was scared to wake up and face things all again.

If I’m honest, waking up was hard. I woke up ready to burst into tears, not wanting to have to deal with another day. As I sit here,  I am headachey with swollen eyes and I am tired. So, so tired. I just want to hide from the world and pretend I don’t exist today. I don’t want to talk to family. I just want to curl up and wait for the day to pass.

If I’m honest, I am so sorry. I’m sorry to whine and complain. I’m sorry to be so heavy lately. I’m sorry if your eyes roll and you stop reading. I’m sorry I can’t seem to cope better, be better, do better.  I’m just not sure where else to put my feelings.

If I’m honest, I’m so grateful for your support, love and concern. I do think so much of you all. I wonder how your children are, how your vacation was, how your illness is passing. I wonder what you had for dinner, how school or work is going and I wonder how you are doing. Just, how you’re feeling.

So, how are you feeling? What’s going on with you?

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16 thoughts on “If I’m Honest

  1. Ugh, the feelings. My oldest son said it best when describing something else entirely: It’s too much, Mama, it’s too much. That’s exactly how I feel when life stuff, stuff that seems like it shouldn’t be a big deal, stuff that I think/assume other people deal with on a day-to-day basis just starts to overwhelm me. But I’m trying to realize that this is just how I’m wired. I’m someone who takes on my stuff as well as the stuff of my loved ones, my coworkers, my neighbors, my Twitter fans, etc. And that’s too much.

    I’m so sorry you’re struggling, but I want you to know that I get where you’re coming from, and I’m happy to listen, should you ever want to vent or cry or wonder. You’re doing a great job reaching out, that’s one of the hardest parts. Keep on reaching out–those who are bothered by it can tune out, but those of us who’ve been there or are there currently will reach in to lift you up.

  2. Please try not to worry about what others think about your feelings. They are your feelings, and no one gets to judge you for having them. Or expressing them. Better to express them, reach out, be sensitive than to try to shut everything off and out. I do hope you get into a situation where you can get therapy if you need it, and antidepressants if you need them. Depression is no joke. ((HUGS))

  3. Thank you for bring honest. It’s not easy, but I find it’s one of the best ways to get through difficult moments. Don’t be sorry about how you feel. Those who really care want to hear all of it – sadness, anger, happiness, frustration, simple joys, wants. Know that there are people who care and who want to hear it all. If getting it out there helps you feel better I feel better for you.

  4. Better to reach out than not to. We all have these sloppy, sensitive moments where it’s all too much, and thank goodness for lovely friends who listen and hug (because we did it for them, and we will again, when it’s their turn). I can only imagine what it’s like to be so deeply sensitive. I know what it’s like to be depressed. You’ve been through a lot of big changes, it seems. Be gentle with yourself. Keep talking. Keep living. This too shall pass. (And I’m pretty OK, thanks for asking. I hate this time of year. It’s too dark. I want to put up Christmas lights NOW because I think it would cheer me up. I’m going to be sure to take a walk in the sun today.) Take care!

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