Slip Sliding

I’m not very focused these days. I’m sure being jobless and watching the purse strings get tighter and tigher isn’t helping. I’m sure being in a new place isn’t helping. I’m sure feeling soley responsible for our survival isn’t really helping either. There’s most likely a lot contributing but regardless of what it is, I’m still more scattered than I’ve ever been.

I have slid, slid, sliiiiiid back in my health and fitness. I am SO frustrated yet clearly not committed to getting back on track. My eating is all good – minus sugar. I am a FIEND for sugar and we are possibly in the worst time of the year when it comes to treats and candy. Ugh. I have zero willpower around sugar. The SECOND dinner is over, I already start craving something sweet. I know I need to break this addiction but damn if it isn’t super tough.

Thank goodness I don’t have a scale right now because I would most likely break into tears. My body doesn’t FEEL good, inside OR out. I can FEEL flab where it wasn’t before and I am so uncomfortable. I was running when I first got here, but then a mystery ankle injury sidelined me as it tended to flare up even after a lot of walking around. The neighbours downstairs complained when I tried to work out in our livingroom. I can’t afford dance classes just yet and I am waiting until I have an income to join a gym so I can zone out on a treadmill. It sounds like so many excuses but I just…don’t know what to do right now. I can’t be the only one, can I?

When I was losing weight steadily, I was kind of work out and food crazy. I really don’t want to be like that again but fear I have to be. The small changes aren’t making the changes I want in my body. THey aren’t really getting me where I need to be.  What I need to be able to do, is jump and workout in my apartment. That’s so, so frustrating. My anxiety has me wound about the neighbours so I haven’t dared try in over a month. Running isn’t all that fun for me, I just do it because it’s cheap and ‘easy’. In other words, it doesn’t take any thought for me.  I do it because it helps my mind space out and give me the break that being anxious and highly sensitive will never, ever let me have.

I feel so awful about myself every day. I KNOW better. I KNOW what to eat. I KNOW that I have to move. Why is it so damn difficult? I feel like people look at me and frown, knowing how great I was looking before oh…the world felt like it was caving in on me.  If I’m honest, I barely made it through the summer so I know I should cut myself some slack.  I probably wasn’t that honest this summer with anyone, you, myself, my family. No one really knew how close I was to just…collapsing.

And then I moved across the country. Into another country. Where I’d be the sole earner. In an expensive, loud, busy new city. I guess there’s a bit of reason to be stressed, to have let myself fall by the wayside.

I’m just so frustrated guys. How the hell do I get out of this hole? How do I stop feeling sorry for myself, fearful, anxious and just..DO something?  I mean, I know it’ll get better and I’ll find a groove but for now, this sucks.

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