Surprise!

I am strangely good at supressing things. If you see me complain and cry, you probably think, “yeah right!” But it’s true. I stuff the truly painful things, memories and the like, way down where even I forget about them.

It is truly like, they happen and I am just destroyed, but then I wake up the next day. I am exhausted and often embarassed, but…I go make breakfast and plan my day. It’s obviously some defense mechanism I have built over the years. A way to move on and keep on surviving even when shit gets bad.

It’s so sad to me that I am like this. That I have had trauma enough to develop like that. I…can’t even explain how it happened or what trauma I had to force me into this. I just don’t know. It makes me sad to know that I have hurt loved ones because of this way that I stuff it all down. People can’t understand why I am still doing this or that, can’t I see how badly I hurt? Well, no. I can’t see it because I have squashed it down deep, without even trying. I truly cannot see it. At least the intensity of it.

It takes an act of God to bring those traumas back to light sometimes. It wasn’t until a couple years ago, and thanks to a loving person, that I realized how much of my crap is because of emotional trauma as a child. I just…never remembered. Unfortunately, when it does come back, I have to feel it all over again and then process it. It feels like horrific PTSD. It isn’t my favorite.

Then, there are even worse moments, when I least expect it and BAM. There it is. It hit me and I am in tears over this thing that happened years ago. I am feeling it so intensely, as if it were happening fresh. All over again.

I’m not sure what is going on, but…I’m getting a ton of those surprises lately. Each one ruins me. It destroys me and I feel run over. Exhausted and laid flat. Sometimes they are regrets I didn’t know I had. Other times they are feelings I surpressed so I could go on living one more day. Tonight one hit me so bad that I am lying in my room, sobbing as I struggle to get these feelings out to you.

I don’t know if I am alone in this feeling or experience but part of me hopes that I am. I wouldn’t want anyone to have surprise hurt. It is far less fun than surprise parties or surprise presents.

Or surprise cake.

I would like surprise cake.

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6 thoughts on “Surprise!

  1. I am like this too. It was how I was raised. My mom could be screaming at us for being naughty and when the phone rang she would be extra chipper. It was confusing as a kid, but I’ve apparently become an excellent compartmentalizer.
    I just started reading the book “Children of the Self-Absorbed” (saw someone reading it on twitter) and it has been really eye opening to realize how I was raised has affected so many facets of my personality! Like indecision! How other’s feelings impact me & I cannot let them go! My heightened anxiety on pleasing others, etc. It has been interesting as well as disturbing. When will we stop learning more about ourselves is my question- things like this just keep happening!

    1. I will have to check that book out! It’s so nice to have the support and know that I am far from alone. Your growing up sounds very familiar to me. Compartmentalization. That’s abaolutely it.

  2. Oh, Sarah, I know this so well. A few weeks ago I was saying that I know that what I’ve gone through has made me who I am, but I bet I would have been a happier person without it. I’m good at being matter of fact about my childhood and life, but every once in awhile something happens to put things in the forefront of my brain and then I just can’t shut it off. And it’s bad. Hugs to you, Friend.

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