I WANT to love yoga

I just…don’t.

But I really, really want to.

I know this sounds ridiculous and you are all probably like, “Well, Sarah, just don’t do it  and do something you love!” which sounds so simple and beautiful. I just can’t do that. It’s not just fitness that brings the masochism out in me. It’s food too. I don’t like black pepper, cilantro or turnip. Yet! I will eat them all as often as I am able. I’ll put pepper and cilantro in food. I’ll put turnips in stew. I will order food at restaurants with those items in it, simply because I don’t like NOT liking something. I know. I know. Ridiculous.

It’s true though. I hate not liking something. What if my distaste for a food, or an activity or whatever limits me!? What If I’m missing out on some AMAZING dish or food combination because I have a distaste for something? What if I pass by an opportunity because I didn’t like the location, or what was for lunch, or or or.

What if I’m just not giving yoga the chance it deserves?

There’s another part to this too. I often think, the things we struggle with the most are the very ones we really need. High intensity activity just fits me. I love it. I love getting my heart rate just screaming with great music, high intensity moves and a great burn. I love lifting heavy enough to really struggle and feel EXHAUSTED in the end, but know I got a great workout. I struggle however, with slowing down and being calm. I don’t do well really being in the present. I don’t do well when I’m asked to be still, be quiet and listen to that silence. I mean, REALLY struggle with it. I’m sure we all do to an extent, I just know that it is still important to find that space.

I want to find that space. I want to work through the uncomfortableness I feel in the stillness. I want to find quiet inside. I really do feel like where I’m at right now both emotionally and physically, that something a bit more gentle and flowing will be better for my body. That is, IF I could get myself into it.  I have a lot I’m working through right now and yoga just FEELS like a good place to start.

I just…can’t get into it. It always sounds like a great idea yet in practice? Eh. Is the fridge humming? I wonder what’s going on with Twitter. Did I buy orange juice? What should I make for dinner? Where is the cat? Do I smell something strange? Immediately as soon as I start, once I get my head out of the way to ACTUALLY start, all of the things slam into my brain. ALL OF THE THINGS.  I am suddenly aware of EVERYTHING that is ontop of me. All those things above, and then all the stresses that I tend to push back, push down and plaster a smile ontop of.  I’m aware of every little ache, every little struggle. Physical. Mental. Emotional. All of it, all at once.  And then my friends – I run.

Off goes the podcast or DVD and I’m off to be busy and flood myself with other things rather than my thoughts. High intensity working out pushes all that crap to the side because it requires 110% of my efforts in that moment. I feel awesome for hours, but of course, eventually it all comes back. I’m kind of tired of feeling like a serial exerciser, some crazy addict that has to work harder, jump higher and be stronger just to deal with her own brain.

So I guess what I’m saying people, is I’m really overwhelmed right now and need to deal with this shit. ASAP. I think yoga could help me find a space to really sort through some things while still feeling like I’m making a difference in my health.

I really do want to stop running from stillness and into it.

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7 thoughts on “I WANT to love yoga

  1. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I struggle with this too, and this definitely also falls in the ‘should’ category. I ‘should’ like yoga because it is good for me. I need to relax. I need to be zen. Ahhh. So much pressure to go to a class, AND enjoy it, when really, I just…don’t. But like you, I WANT TO SO BADLY. I have to say, I just found your blog (through Twitter! I’m the Lauren3319 from Twitter haha), but all of your posts have resonated with me SO much. I find myself just sitting here, vigorously nodding my head in agreement. Thank you! 🙂

    1. Hi there! I recognize you!

      I’m so glad what I’ve said has resonated with you! That’s really one of the best things to hear when writing all of your own ramblings for the world to see! Thank you for saying so, I hope it continues!

  2. I think that everything you said has happened to all of us who have tried yoga. Ages ago (before I ever took a yoga class) I had some workout dvds, including some yoga. I thought I wanted to like yoga and would put that in and sit down and get so freaking frustrated because I felt like I wasn’t doing anything: gah! I could be moving and sweating or cleaning or anything- focus on my breath? bah!
    But later, when I started taking yoga classes, I understood. And I would think about what was going on at home while I was in class: were the kids going to bed for my husband? Had I cleaned up that mess? What terrible thing should I stew on? And I learned that it’s our “monkey mind” and that learning to focus on one breath in, one breath out can create some stillness. It is work, and don’t think that you’re doing it wrong.
    I am new to new-agey stuff, but have you read A New Earth? That is where I first started to focus on the present moment and change the way I was thinking about things.
    Good luck!
    Oh! And I also in the past got to where I was going to more advanced yoga classes where we did more intense poses and you do sweat a ton, and it’s as much of a workout as any other- in fact more intense for me. And you do push all the thoughts out of your head because you are using every muscle to lift yourself up into a handstand (or whatever).

  3. Just came across your blog and I love your writing style! I actually started to feel anxious reading this – its true there are so many things!! But ya, I hear ya. Being still is by far the hardest part about yoga. But not all yoga is like that (I’m sure you’ve heard that). Some are really really hard and force you to think about your body. Lilke any of the power yoga dealies. Not only that, but the more you do something, the better you get. You just need to commit. Don’t half ass it. Count your breaths – that helps. And breath deeply. At least that’s what works for me.

  4. This post is awesome! Thanks for sharing! U do a great job of explaining where you are. I have been in that place of Yoga being too still, too quiet, too slow; however, stillness does make a difference in your health. In fact, too much of anything is not good for us. If you’re like me, & we sound a lot a like, we don’t have the patience to get to the good stuff. ALL OF THE THINGS are normal in the beginning. Just as with everything, as we practice we become better. Especially, in the American culture where fast paced is the rule…think about it we are always finding ways to do things faster. Patience is definitely not a strong point in our culture…with this comes stress & stress is the #1 killer of health. Slowing down, tapping into that inner peace & meditating gives the body a chance to rest & rest is healing time for the body! When we look outside of our culture to those who practice regularly the principles of Yoga, meditation/relaxation we find abundant peace, wisdom & love — a beautiful thing! Think of Avatar…remember how connected they were to the whole? Yoga teaches peace, connectivity & knowing thyself – if you can focus on this & make it your WHY maybe it will sustain you as you work through the uncomfortableness.

    Wow! I should take my own advice – lol

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